Lately I’ve been feeling not empty, but empty on the things I long for. But I think a main cause of my emptiness is the fact that I’m unmotivated. I’m not inspired. I’m not driven. And every time I think about that it drags me down more. It’s not that I feel pity on myself for not wanting to do something about being so stuck, it’s that I feel like I don’t have anything to go to. I don’t go to drugs when I’m sad. I don’t go to alcohol. And honestly I’m not even sad that much. I’m not depressed. I don’t have anxiety. I get anxious and nervous a lot but I definitely don’t have anything as severe as anxiety. I’m Christian and I love church and I see myself as a solid believer, and I know God doesn’t magically make your life ok when something goes wrong. But I keep finding myself wondering why I am where I am. Idk like I’m meant for something else and this voice keeps telling me I can’t get that chance to be that person back. I can’t tell if I love the people I’m surrounded by or not. I’m thankful for them. I care for them more than words can express. They are all so beautiful and wonderful and funny. I just adore them. Yet even though I feel like I have all that, religion, friends, I still feel this hole. Like I should be doing something but I’m not doing it. I don’t feel the need to fit in. Im weird idk people always ask if I’m high or something just because I’m funny or I’m a crazy outgoing person. (Haha yea quirky me haha). At this point I don’t even care who likes me or not. Or who talks about me whether it’s good or bad. I’m bad in school I don’t try at all. I settle for the least. When my room is messy I don’t care anymore. Which seems so small but it’s big to me because my mom always said the cleaner your room, the happier. Which I think she meant in a literal and mental term. I have a bad relationship with my family. I think I get a lot of insecurities from them. I get stressed over nothing so easily and when I’m stressed I don’t eat, I don’t drink. I am bad at drinking water I can go days without even thinking about needing it. I can’t tell if I’m healthy or happy or motivated or just straight up tired. I’m so emotionally worn out for no reason. I can’t even say I want to get my life together bc honestly I don’t even care. I’m not asking for any kind of pity. I just have never told anyone this bc I have this lingering voice that tells me my problems aren’t as bad as other people’s so I shouldn’t put myself above them and just worry about them. I’m a people pleaser and I’m happy about it. I love it and I love people. I can’t help but love someone. Which is why I feel so empty and fragile. I know not everyone is like me so when I care a lot for someone but don’t receive it I feel like I’m unloved. I can’t trust anyone, I get way too jealous over things even jealous people wouldn’t get jealous over. I love myself and the way I look but I never treat myself the way I should. Again, I settle. But not for people or anything I settle with the fact that I’m so unmotivated and melancholy. Idk what to feel sometimes. When bad things happen I don’t cry. When I mess up and get in trouble I don’t cry or feel bad. I may worry worry resent especially if it’s something regarding my parents. But I’m just lost I felt like I didn’t know who I was before but I feel even more gone now. Like I feel like I rescued myself from where I was a couple years ago but when I really think about it I still have no clue what I’m doing. And I know a lot of people have gone through this of course. I don’t think I’m alone. I just don’t know how to get motivated and actually care about myself enough to make a change. I’ve tried but my parents put me down and I put myself down. The circumstances in my life are so mixed. Really good and really bad. I really have no reason to feel this way. I have all the love I could ever need or imagine but I still feel like a different person every day. I have a great life but I don’t know how to live it to the fullest. When I think of people that feel the way I do I think of someone who is depressed or sad or a substance abuser out of control. But I’m not. I’m a normal 16 year old but I don’t know how to start working towards a better me. I don’t even know what exactly is wrong really. Just that I don’t feel comfortable. Most of the time I just want to be alone. And it may all be my weird raging teenage hormones who knows.

If you read all this sorry lmao but I’m impressed. I’m not expecting comments or anything unless you can relate and need somewhere to express it or rant. Idk why I did it here. I think it’s bc it’s the only place that’s anonymous. Anyway have a good night :))