This is our first night at home with our first baby, Jack. I’m an absolute mess. I already deal with a lot of anxiety and this is just a level I’ve never been on before.

Basically I feel like a terrible mom. I feel guilty because I had a c section and am in a lot of pain, it’s hard to get up and around and my wonderful husband who I do not deserve is doing everything. Making Jack’s bottles, making food for us, doing pretty much all the changing, helping me up and down.

I feel bad for still having thoughts like ‘ok I’m gonna go to sleep soon’ like it’s still before we had the baby and I could just decide it was bedtime whenever we wanted, and lay in bed as long as I wanted in the morning. I feel bad for thinking I’m gonna miss that. I feel bad for feeling bad for my dog that’s been the center of attention for the last 3 years. I feel bad for having to yell at her to get down and get off things and just the general change this is gonna be in her life.

So it’s like...ok I feel terrible about everything else but all I can really think about is Jack. If that makes any sense. I’m constantly worried about him. This is our first night home after 3 nights and there’s no little button to push for a nurse to come in and hand him to me or take him to the crib bc I could barely get out of bed. No doctor coming in each morning to check him out. So I worry about every little thing...is he sleeping too much, is he not peeing enough...

And I formula fed him today. The hospital and nurses really push breastfeeding. I thought we had been doing ok the first day but the next day when the lactation consultant came in I realized I had been doing it all wrong...so I started feeling guilty that he hadn’t had enough to eat all day and he was low birth weight to being with. They had me start pumping and I would barely get 10 ml off both breasts combined...def not enough for him to eat. She said I may have a condition where I have low or no supply. I meet with another LC tomorrow but I couldn’t stand to think of him starving all day today so I supplemented with formula but he still only ate like an ounce or so every 2 or 3 hours.

I can’n stop thinking something is wrong with him. I ’m just a mess. I haven’t been able to stop worrying and that combined with being sleep deprived and not being able to get physically comfortable has me a complete wreck and I don’t know what to do.