I feel sorry for myself

It has been six months with one miscarriage that every months I promise myself that I won’t test early because I HATE this Line haunting !! I hate the way it makes me feel , I hate the fact that I can’t sleep because I’m looking forward peeing on the stick , I hate hiding in the bathroom with all the lights on trying to find a shadow or the faintest line , i hate the amount of money that I spend on it !!!

Well this month I’ve lost the plot by starting testing at 4dpo and probably testing twice a day , pretend that I wasn’t feeling well for being able to have a blood test 7 dpo came back negative . So you would think by now I will stop right? Even knowing that the blood test came back negative I still bought a test today !!! I hate myself I feel miserable for doing this and you are the only people I can share this with because nobody else would understand...

Here is my test at 9dpo today :

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Sorry about my disgusting nails , I’m a hairdressing and didn’t wear gloves today