My boyfriend had an "emotional" affair two years ago. I decided to stay and try to work it out (my decision, my choice). For the last two years, I have tried to make it work, with little to no help or effort from my boyfriend. I have tried everything I know to get him to put in an effort for us BOTH to heal from it, nothing worked! So I started researching about affairs, to gain knowledge for ME. Everything I've read has said that although the affair was NOT my fault, there were things that I could do to help me feel better about ME!

So that's exactly what I'm going to do! I've set goals for myself. I've decided to give it one last chance for him to make an effort. I wrote it down and gave it to him.

I've explained that the decision is HIS choice. If he CHOOSES that our relationship isn't what he wants anymore, that's HIS decision and one I'm perfectly fine with. But if that is his DECISION, then he is to remove himself from our bed. He may remain in the home until he can find a suitable place for him and his 8 year old son to go or until taxes, when he can afford to move out. (I won't kick him out with no where to go because he has a child and it wouldn't be fair to the child to be put out in the cold).

If he CHOOSES that he is perfectly fine with our relationship as it is, that is HIS choice, as well. But I am no longer willing to live my life in constant turmoil and pain. So, if this is what he CHOOSES, then the same applies. He remove himself from our bed, but may remain in the house until he's able to secure a home for his son, but again no LATER than tax time.

If he CHOOSES to workk on the relationship, our living situation will not change. But I expect him to put in 210% every single day into healing our relationship. I agree to put in the same amount of effort, as long as he is. If at tax time he has not followed through with his efforts, then he will be asked to leave IMMEDIATELY!

I am okay with anyone of these scenerios. In the meantime, I will be concentrating on myself. I'm going to reach out and work on friendships (with women) that I have recently neglected. I'm going to read some more on after affairs and self help books to help continue MY healing. And after the new year, I'm going to look for a job, part-time or full-time doesn't matter to me. But I want something that will give me purpose and meaning!

I've also CHOSEN to refrain from any "friendship" or sexual involvement with any males during this time. For one, just because HE chose to cheat, doesn't mean I have to and in the end it will just make me feel worse about myself, as my own morals prevent me from doing so. It's about ME not HIM. I also feel like engaging in any relationship with a man at this time will only serve to be disastrous because I am in no place to trust my own judgement about men. I need to learn to trust myself first!

Regardless of HIS choices, in doing those things, I know I will feel better about myself and begin to regain my self-esteem. If he chooses to stay and work on it, in working on my own self-esteem will only benefit our relationship. If he chooses to leave, I still benefit from becoming a better stronger ME.

I posted anonymously because there are no need for names. My hope is that someone going through something similar will read this and realize her worth as well, and choose HERSELF over everything else, whether you choose to leave the relationship or stay, please know your worth! Choosing to stay doesn't make you "weak". In fact, it show just how incredibly strong you are to not just give up! But choosing to leave also makes you strong. In leaving there is a certain uncertainty about you future and that of your family. Which ever path you choose, know that you are STRONG and WORTHY! And you will come out the better person for your incredible stamina for fighting in what you believe in!

Edit: @Catherine, you are absolutely right about the two years. But like I said, he has a little boy. So if he chooses to end it, he moves out of the bedroom. Which means our relationship is OVER! Right now he's is looking at surgery in two weeks and can't work because of it. I REFUSE to punish a little boy, who thinks of me as being his mom! So "allowing" my boyfriend to stay in the home until he is able to find another suitable place to live has NOTHING to do with me or HIM! It simply has to do with the safety and well-being of the little boy! I hope that clears up any confusion.

But, my hope is that he will finally take me seriously. He says he loves me and wants to work it out, but has not really done anything to put forth any effort in doing that. I WANT to work it out, and if he's being truthful about still living me then this is his "wake up call" and he will step up! If not, then I will KNOW that the relationship is truly over and it's time for me to move on.