It’s Sunday. I am downstairs switching our bedding from the washer to the dryer. I hate washing bedding, it’s the worst. My Apple Watch vibrates. I look down to see a PayPal notification that we just paid $472 to some guy on EBay.

I flew up the stairs, ran to my husband sitting on the couch and say, “Really?! $500?! What the hell were you thinking?!” And I stormed off to our room.

He called for me, “Where are you going? You are acting crazy!” I replied, “I am going to do $500 in online shopping right now.”

I was so triggered. When he came in the room to calm me down, I didn’t even have words. I told him he was selfish. That he has been spending thousands of dollars on himself and it was crazy. So he asked me what I wanted to buy. I couldn’t think of anything. 🤦‍♀️

The fact is: I am a SAHM and I have been mentally struggling lately. As someone who has worked since age 17 and always supported herself, it’s hard not to work. I watch alllll the money go out. I never see it come in. I see the things he buys himself. I see the checks I write for bills. I see the money I spend at the store each week. I have access to spend the money, but I don’t have access to see our full account activity. It’s hard not knowing exactly how much money you have. I grew up living pay check to pay check and still being behind. Extra money was unheard of. $500 comic books were unheard of.

I spiraled. I accused him of never helping with our daughter. I told him I felt like when he spends money on himself, he is saying there rest of us don’t deserve to be spent on. I told him we agreed to discuss all purchases over $70 and he isn’t treating me like a partner. I said he needed to give me access to our accounts.

He asked me when he had ever denied me anything. The truth is...never. He has never asked me not to buy something. He assured me we have plenty of money. He apologized for not discussing purchases with me, but expressed feeling I was controlling. I explained why I freak out. It’s so hard being blind to money coming in and only seeing huge amounts go out. Especially when I don’t contribute an income.

I talked about feeling overwhelmed at home and crippled by his constant criticism. I apologized for losing my mind but asked that moving forward he: discuss purchases over $70 with me, and communicate in a more positive manner. In turn, I assured him I would be more supportive of his endeavors so he wouldn’t be fearful of reporting expenses to me.

I have been so on edge lately. Mentally fragile. I hope to God I am pregnant again, because I don’t have a better explanation for my complete craziness lately. 🤦‍♀️