I literally have nowhere else to turn to and I feel like I am about to seriously lose it. I am posting anonymously for privacy concerns.

I am 30 and have three children. My oldest is 8, middle is 19 months, youngest is 4 months. I found out I was pregnant with my third when my middle one was 7 months old. At that point I was doing extremely well and had been a stay at home mom (both of our choice) since the day my second was born. I had not planned to have anymore children and was using a mini pill and breastfeeding, but somehow ended up pregnant again anyhow. I cannot convey the depths of the anxiety I felt when I found out I was pregnant again. I stayed in bed crying for a week and never really got to a point where I was elated about the pregnancy, but I went on and did as normal and knew I would love my third just as much as my other two.

My pregnancy was fine and I experienced perhaps just a little more exhaustion than other moms due to chasing a newly mobile little one around. There was nothing bad about it really and I made it through it fine. I started feeling weepy a few days after the littlest one was born. I love the child immensely, but felt I was experiencing some baby blues. At my 6 week check up, I had an IUD inserted and was diagnosed with PPD after a questionnaire. My doctor prescribed Zoloft, but I am very sensitive to medications and have experienced issues with some anti depressant type meds in the past (PPD with first child) so I have refused to take it out of fear.

As time has gone on though, I find myself deeper and deeper in a hole and I can’t get out. I can’t even explain it really.. I have a routine with my kids and feel like the weight of a five person household is on my shoulders. My husband is self employed and helps where he can, but it’s very minimal. I feel like I am going 24/7 and there is no rest. Obviously the exhaustion is getting to me. The littlest is not a good napper at all and is up often at night. The toddler is very good, but obviously energetic. I have found myself feeling totally run into the ground. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I haven’t been out by myself but once in the last two years and have no resources for help. Grandparents on both sides aren’t very interested in being involved and I am a very introverted person anyhow so friends are pretty much nonexistent.

I know truly there is more to this than just being exhausted. I can’t eat and don’t sleep well even when I get a rare chance to. I have found myself so often lately thinking of suicide and it terrifies me that I’m seeing solace in that. I love my children and know they need me deep down, but I honestly feel like everything would be better without me sometimes. I feel totally unappreciated and unloved, overworked and overwhelmed. I have tried to talk with my husband, but he becomes very combative and mean when I try to be real about this with him so I have found it best to keep a facade and shut down with him on this subject. I don’t know where to turn anymore and I guess I am just looking for a place to say what I am feeling right now. Being here is a lonely place to be.