I got married when I was 20. Had my first kiss with this guy, and 14 years now in to our marriage, everything changed.

On the first months of our marriage I also found out he had kiss 2 others girls when we were engaged, in a trip with his family, as a “ farewell to being single”. I was so close to divorced back then, but convince myself that was just kisses, and before our marriage, so I forgave him ( after begging and all of his part, of course).

Last year he told me he does not believe in God anymore ( our faith is a huge part of our marriage and a part of me still!). At the same time, I found out that he had lied to me before we were married. He told me he was virgin ( like me) and had only kiss a few girls. End up he had sleep or masturbate with 3 other girls. I was so hurt, I can not even explain, I went to hell and back. I could not function, and we have 3 young kids, so I decided to go to a doctor, that prescribed me antidepressants. That helped! At the turbulent time, I found out many other “ small lies” he had being keeping, like that he had drank a few times when he told me he had not ( we don’t drink in our religion), had being to parties when told me he was working and so on.

It was so hard, girls.

I told him it was over, took the kids and left. After 2 weeks, after many promises, we decide to try again. We read many relationship books, tried to change, adapt to this new reality and so on. I gave up many dreams and hopes, and I think is fair to say that I have being giving 100% to save my marriage.

Is being over 1 year. I have no reason to believe he was unfaithful since we got married. He works hard for the family, and I truly believe that he is better than many guys out there.

But he is not the same person that I loved for 12 years. I don’t come first anymore, his work do. He says that he used believe that our marriage was sacred, but now without God, he understands that I’m just another person and not a queen, so he needs more freedom without me.

He got back being really close with his family ( that hated me from the beginning).

He treats me really nice for a couple days, says he loves me, can’t leave without me, than ignores me and the kids for days. Last week he went to a 1 day travel and decided to stay 2 more to hang with a friend. He told me that per email, and blocked me so I couldn’t text or call ( he says that he needs his time and know I will complain, so does that to avoid being bother).

He is always working, I bring food to his working table, take care of the kids by myself, smile and try to be the best I can.

Now, this morning, I wake up 6:30 and his already working as his phone. I tell him I miss him, maybe he could give me a hug cause I was feeling lonely? He not even look at me and tells me he already has his head full from work, maybe latter.

I breath, go take a shower, come back and say again: “ hey, 2 minutes of holding me? I know your r busy, but I’m feeling kind of needy today?” ( I NEVER say things like that). He tells me: “ if you have to ask for attention, is too embarrassing to watch. I don’t have time to focus on you today, maybe tomorrow.”

I feel so humiliated. I open myself and got shot down. Again.

I feel so alone all the time. He refuses to go to counseling. I have a stranger half the time, that can see me crying and roll his eyes. This “love u”/“ don’t care if you are alive” cycle is killing me.

What to do I do? Keep trying? Gave it up already?