Depression from fiance's secret past with porn

About over a year ago I found out about my fiance's secret, where he would watch porn and masturbate to it. I found out by going into his phone, the gallery center to find a picture of us he took, only to see an album with videos of women who were not me. It's frustrating that although I have voiced it several times at the start of the relationship and here and there throughout my relationship with him, he lied to me that he doesn't do that kind of thing and agrees with me that he does not like it. I mean, if he had just told me straight up and said "I watch porn," I would've at least known and I would have tried to compromise with him even though I didn't like it. I get it I can't change him, but it is entirely unacceptable for him to lie to me about it. It doesn't matter if he was lying to "not hurt" me, because regardless, what he did still hurt me.

Since discovery of it, I have experienced bad depression. I had a lot of bad thoughts, excluded myself from family and friends, and seriously considered suicide. People out there may think that this is too small of an issue to feel this way, but we have different values and opinions, and him watching porn and lying to me for years is what broke me. I felt like I was unattractive and felt like I now understand why he denied doing sexual things with me when I initiated. I blamed me everyday for not being good enough. My depression bled beyond my love and sex life. My health, work, and my life in general just got bad for me. I wasn't feeling confident anymore and I couldn't sleep well anymore since discovery. I still suffer from it, and it's hard to move on from it. I felt like the past that I never knew of was catching up to me in the present. And it hit me hard. I am trying my best to recover from it.

I've seen a lot of posts with people negatively bashing on other people who post about having issues with their partner watching and masturbating to porn. To those people with their negative comments, I hope that you acknowledge that their feelings are just as important as their partner's right to watch and masturbate to porn.

To the few negative comments here: It wasn't like I wanted to kill myself over this, obviously depression builds over time, and this one contributed to the existing depression I had. It made my existing one worse. Also I never said anything about me controlling what my fiance does with porn. I understand that he has his own right to do what he wants with it. I just communicated that it was something I did not like, but I never demanded him to change for me. It is entirely up to him on what he wants to do with porn, and I understand that. The point of this "ranting" post was that people (like you guys) tend to ignore our feelings (which is just also as important too) despite us being aware of the value of masturbating and porn to help with that. For the girl telling me to grow up, it seems like you did not actually read everything I wrote to process it appropriately to write a response properly like the adult you are 🙃. My first impression from your comment is that you are the immature one, coming at me with unnecessary bad attitude and accusation.