Just need to write this down somewhere. I've had multiple break downs today. Every where I turn someone new is pregnant or posting about their rainbow baby or due date and it's hard to see and hear. I'm not excited for the holidays at all. Didnt care about the tree not super excited for Thanksgiving nothing. This is the worst holiday season and I've lost both my grandmother and father right before Christmas and Thanksgiving over the years. Everything reminds me that I should have a newborn and then should he heavily pregnant. Instead I have 2 huge holes in my soul where my babies were ripped from me. I keep it together bc I have a son that helps to know I have him but doesnt make it really hurt any less. I pray 2020 will be a better year than this year has been.