Y’all I feel so alone right now, I just need a safe place to share our journey so far.

We started our fertility journey a little over two years ago. After a year or trying we decided to get testing done. We were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. It’s weird, because in the moment I wanted answers. What was wrong with us? Why was it so easy for everyone else? What was I doing wrong? It it my eggs, they can’t really know their quality! Am I being punished? But the other side of me was grateful, this meant there was hope. Hope that we one day would conceive.

So we moved forward with Medicated <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a>’s. The seemingly endless appointments, the nausea from the medication and the monthly disappointment continued. After three IUIs I finally got my BFP. I was elated. I expected my husband to be equally emotional when I told him. But it was pure shock. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that we had finally done it. I made an appointment for blood work and we moved forward with our initial screening. All good, HSG was progressing and progesterone looked great!

I had my initial confirmation appointment at a little over six weeks, there was our bean and the flicker of a heartbeat. Yet I still felt uneasy. The weeks went by and we religiously checked out the “miscarriage risk by week estimator”, we had made it eight weeks! The weekly pictures on Saturday continued. Safe zone is so close. But still I felt like something was wrong. I had been searching the web like a mad woman about “missed miscarriage”, although I had not bled I felt like something was not right.

You see I had went to a concert the previous week, and in the middle of the concert I started cramping. Take it easy woman grab some water and a seat for a couple minutes. I remember texting my husband who none the wiser was laying in bed, and he reassured me everything was fine. Cramps disappeared that night, no blood to follow. In fact the next day (Monday), I spent a majority of the day laying on the bathroom floor at work in-between vomiting. Welp that is a good sign I remember thinking. I sent a photo to my husband, making sure he understood that this was the only child he was to have. We had a good laugh.

I had a follow up appointment that Friday, we were so excited! It was Labor Day weekend, what a way to go into the holiday. But the nurse could not find the heartbeat. Not to worry she said, doctor will do a tranvaginal ultrasound, it’s 50/50 at the stage that the Doppler will pick up the heartbeat. Yes, I remember thinking, another ultrasound photo! But I could tell by my doctors face that it was taking an abnormally long amount of time to find the heartbeat. Must be because your bladder is not full, but then she found the heartbeat! Instant relief. She said she could not get a good view but everything sounded great. But my husband wanted a photo. Doctor said let’s give it a couple minutes to let the bladder fill up and we will try again for that photo.

But this time, she did get a better view. There was not a heartbeat but there was an abnormal sac. And the baby had stopped growing the week earlier. I couldn’t even speak. I’ll never forget the look on my husbands face. Was given an RhoGAM shot, the abortion pill and a split to make a followup appointment. Walking out of the office - past all of the pregnant woman was absolutely devastating. The tears streaming down my face, the shame the embarrassment. We sat in the car for a while in silence before we found the strength to head home.

Of course the pill did not work - so I took another dose. Still nothing. But body did not want to let this baby go as much as I did not want to. So, a D&C was scheduled. I am still so thankful for the nurses, everyone was so helpful through my surgery and recovery. Turned out my body knew something was wrong, little baby Kennedy had three sets of chromosomes (triploids of parental origin). My body saved us both from additional pain, it’s weird but I finally felt thankful for my body. For making the decision for me. Six weeks later my HSG was finally gone and I got a true negative.

Flash forward. I got my first cycle, doctor or said we are ready to try again when you are. So, we started meds end of October. I ended up being scheduled for an <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> on our November 4th, our wedding anniversary. Yikes. In retrospect this was probably not the best idea.

Got a very faint positive three days before period was due, so faint that I thought it was an evaporation line. Slowly it got darker, very slowly. Must be a chemical I thought, don’t get your hopes up. Called doctor told me to get blood work on November 25th. I was terrified all weekend, finally Monday came. Now the wait game begins. Tuesday after hours I get a phone call while we are on our way to visit family for Thanksgiving. Blood work came back positive, HSG looks great but progesterone is only 9.88. “Doctor wants to send over a progesterone supplement and has asked you to get blood work again on Wednesday.” Followed by but we won’t be able to get you your results until Monday as the office is closed for the rest of the week. (Great.)

At this point I am terrified. Last pregnancy my progesterone was 30. How could this be?! Google gets the best of me, down the rabbit hole I go. Husband tells me to stop, but he can’t do much he is driving after all. I end up coming across this article that referenced some lab where you can request your own labs. Brilliant I think - this is my best bet at getting results before Monday, I just have to know what is happening. And my lab request from my doctor was just hsg, I need to know about my progesterone level.

Thursday morning I check my email (it’s 4:40 in the morning) and I have partial results - HSG has come in. I have increased from 300 to 806. Nearly an increase of 170%. Ok let’s enjoy some turkey, but where is my progesterone results?! This morning I chat the lab techs, they said results could be in later today but also very likely not until Monday. Ok fair, it’s only been one business day. I end up checking my email a couple hours later and there it is - my progesterone labs are in.

But my progesterone has dropped from 9.88 to 6.77. I tell my husband and this time he begins searching the web for hope. An article or two to tell us everything is going to be ok. But you see, I already have searched the web, I had hours to search while he was driving. I know things are not good. Sure my HCG doubled but without progesterone the baby can’t survive.

I have read the success stories. People have went on to have perfectly fine pregnancies with less progesterone and despite scientific evidence progesterone supplements have resulted in miracles. But for the majority of people out there - they will not have a happy ending.

So I wait. Check the toilet paper every. single. time. Count down the hours till I am sent for another blood test. Praying for a miracle but preparing for the worst. Every progesterone pill and prenatal I swallow, a constant reminder that this may all be in vain.

If you made it this far - thank you for reading, I know this was a long one. But this was so therapeutic. I hope that you have stumbled on this thread out of curiosity and not because you are in the same boat. Baby dust to all.