I had an abortion on the 10th of October. I had gone into the appointment with the intention of choosing the surgical procedure due to the fact that i wanted to be sure it would work. The doctor had a long talk with me on his opinion which was, because i’m so young and i’d like kids in the future he recommended the pill procedure. My boyfriend had agreed with him and I had asked for time to think about it. Fortunately I was lucky enough to have someone so supportive and wonderful by my side. My S/O and I had a long conversation and I remember he said “i really agree with the doctor. I’d like to have kids with you in the future.” That helped me come to the conclusion on the pill procedure. The doctor was very kind and nonjudgmental. He didn’t rush me and my decision and he made things very comfortable. My s\o was with me the whole time, he was there for the ultrasound part. The part that broke my heart the most. I seen my little bean. The doctor said i was about 5-6 weeks. He said he thought he wouldn’t have been able to see it because I was so early but we did. I don’t know the medical term for it but we had to use the ultrasound camera that entered my vagina. We then went into his office where he answered some of my questions and told me what the pill does exactly. I took the first pill there and in front of my doctor. He then gave me 4 other pills that were meant to be taken the next day by dissolving in my bottom gums. The abortion would then happen that day. I started bleeding immediately the next day. the cramps were absolutely terrible, i had cried so much. the antibiotic pills tasted disgusting, that made me cry as well. Then my boyfriend had left really quickly to pick up my dog from the groomers and as I was home alone watching my baby cousin. The miscarriage happened. I laid on my couch and i remembered i took a breathe and I just felt stuff come out of me. I struggled to walk to the bathroom as my cousin was in his play-pin watching TV. I went into the bathroom and my pad was completely filled and my bean was on my pad. I knew at this moment (even though it looked like nothing but blood clots) that this was my baby bean. i sat on the toilet staring at it for what felt like an hour. I remembered I needed to clean up before my family came back as they didn’t know i had an abortion at all. (they’re super religious and I would’ve been kicked out and immediately disowned if they knew.) I carefully jiggled my pad off and set it down. I cleaned up my thighs because there was so much blood on them and washed my hands. It felt like cleaning up a crime scene. I carefully folded my pad and placed it in the bag. I had no other choice but to throw the bag away. This is a big part of my guilt. As i was walking to my bin, shaking. my s/o had just gotten home and i fell in his arms and cried and cried and cried. He felt guilty for leaving me alone but how could he have known it was going to happen then? He has been quite supportive since. However I feel as though the grief and guilt has been hitting me recently. I think about it consistently and had a suicidal episode a few nights ago. I’ve been arguing with my partner so much. not about the abortion itself but other, small things. It’s just been hard recently and I just wanted to talk about it. Thanks for taking the time to read it and feel free to tell me your story/opinions.