Miscarriage completely alone

My due date was June 14th 2020

The father wasn’t excited and panicked , he already has a little girl, she lived with her mom, but the mom doesn’t like me at all. Let’s call the father “Brad”. Brad was being mistreated by his child’s mother and was no longer happy being with her, for she was toxic. So he moved in with me a couple months into dating me. when I told him about my pregnancy He had told me that it would mess things up and it would make his bm do everything to make his life miserable with me, and it would make it impossible to visit his little girl if she found out brad and I were expecting. I would never want him to be a bad father to his little girl not take him away from her and I clearly let him know that in the beginning. Anyways he made me feel angry and stupid for being happy about my pregnancy because I just thought of it as a bs excuse. I had told no one in my family because I’m a little on the young side , 18 just graduated high school. Not only that but my family would shut me out if I got pregnant is what they always told

Me, how it would be disgraceful. When I went to my first appointment I was 9 weeks I was so happy for myself, my family never really gave me much attention growing up, I’ve been working since I was 12 and since then I have never asked them for money , clothes ,school supplies, or anything. But at (18) I was in a really good financial spot making a good amount of money for my age. Lately my family ,especially my mom didn’t talk to me at all. All I would do is work and only come home to shower and sleep and by the time they’re up I’d be gone. only time my family would approach me would be to collect money for my rent for my room and to pay my car and insurance , also some utilities. I didn’t have any friends at all since I was always occupied and the “friends” I did have in the past would always feel like leeches feeding off of me for food, money, and rides since I was the youngest in my class to be driving. Anyway, I hid the fact that I was pregnant , but I took extra care of my body and did the most to eat well and stay hydrated for my baby. Overall I myself was happy for MYSELF , because I felt so much love from my body every night knowing I have a life inside of me and that everything will be okay even by myself, I know I saved enough to move out just me and my child kind of away from my family. I felt like this baby would have been the love I was needing so much in my life, like if all the pain of feeling alone for a big important part of my life will be worth this. I didn’t care if brad wanted to be a part of this or not , as soon as he fucked up and told me it would mess HIS life up that was it for me. I felt such a pain and disrespect in my heart hearing that from his pretty mouth , it’s like that changed my view of him completely. My belly got rubbed and talked to ONCE ( other than me ) from my one friend that I trusted , as soon as I told him , that was the first time someone congratulated me and it hit me , that it was supposed to be a good feeling to be a mommy! And it made me sad that I didn’t get that from brad. Days went by and I started to lightly bleed, then turned into sharp pains. Brad and I went to the emergency room and the doctor said the baby is fine so I was confused on the pain and very light bleeding. The next night , brad took my car to go to his sisters birthday party, I didn’t feel like going because of my pains. When I was heading to bed I couldn’t bare the pain at all so I called brad and he told me about what the doctor said and that I’m fine. So I called my friend and asked me if he could drop me off at the hospital which he did , he offered to stay but I didn’t want to bother him , he had work in a couple of hours. When I checked myself into a big hospital everyone stared at me in pity. I felt every eye on me because I looked so young and all by myself , I was attended immediately. It turns out I was going through a miscarriage, they took the remains out and kept me in a room until I felt better. I was in complete shock of what was going on,

I could hardly believe it, once the doctor was done doing what she had to do and cleaned me up . She asked me “ I’m sorry, I don’t

Know if this was a good thing or a bad thing ?” Realizing this whole time I was here ,I didn’t cry. But she looked at me and came closer and put her hand on my shoulder and waited for my response, all I could let out is ,” bad thing” quietly , as I felt my head drop , I burst into silent tears. I had my sister pick me up and told her I had a stomach bug. So she dropped me off at home , brad wasn’t home yet it was almost morning, I assumed he passed out at his sisters after drinking. I silently laid in my bed and couldn’t get up for a very long time , I felt completely broken and my heart was shattered. as soon as brad found out about what happened , he cried and wailed to me begging for forgiveness. Which I did not , it was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through, I kicked him out and he eventually went back to his bm for his little girl. And almost every night since then I lay in bed and cry silent tears for me and what my body took from me. I hear “ it’s normal “ “ I’ve went through that” “ I know someone who’s been through that” never , it’s ok to feel like that , it’s like my feelings aren’t validated because I should have known not to be attached until I reached the 12 week mark.