My insecurities won’t let me have a normal sex life ..

I used to think I’m not sexually attracted to my husband but now I realized it’s me .

I went from 150lbs (im 5’8) to 245lbs after 2 babies and then lost 46lbs and I still so so big.

My husband always want to make love. He likes holding me from the back, kissing my neck, kissing my fat arms, my fat stomach, my fat thighs lol but I think because I feel insecure I don’t enjoy the sex.

All I can think is omg he’s prbably like this girl is so fat not like those girls on pornhub 😂 or of I get on top I feel like I’m crushing him.

Sometimes my tummy and boobs are both popping out and I feel so disgusted with myself .

He wants to make love to me like the first time we did 5 years ago when we’d go on and on til the sun rise but now because of my thoughts I can’t even cum .

If I drink or smoke before sex makes me cut a little loose and I don’t worry about those things but I don’t like to do either much , just occasionally, I wish I could just enjoy the love making he gives me without feelin so ugly and fat

I’m 99% sure he doesn’t care about my fatness so why can’t I let go of the negative thoughts and be happy that my husband is still attracted to me like he was the first time he met me?