My third miscarriage (a long vent)

It was so over cast the day we found out I was pregnant. I remember leaving the store, tests in hand, and watching the angry, grey clouds march along with the wind. Nobody will believe me when I say, I saw a stork fly by in the direction of the wetlands. I had a feeling this was about to be the end of a chapter.

I almost threw that first test away, but right before, a little line just barely caught my eye. So faint. I could hear my heartbeat. I could feel it in my fingertips. I didn’t know whether to be happy.

When I told him, he embraced me so tightly, but I could tell we were both thinking the same thing; “What if it happens again?”.

The lines darkened over the next few days. I was growing more confident that this one would be the one to make it. I toyed with ideas of names in my head, and imagined my ideal nursery. I was finally going to have my baby.

It all started when I showed him another test. I was so excited that it was darkening, but he wasn’t. He said that he didn’t understand how I could be happy in a time like this. We were struggling for money, and our relationship was suffering. We started arguing, he started yelling, and eventually I fell into a panic attack. I felt my heart racing. How could he say the things that he was? How could he not want this baby? I was emotional, and I was furious. I cried myself to sleep at about 4am.

The next morning/afternoon I couldn’t eat. I was so upset. I had taken the day off since I figured it wouldn’t be good for the baby if I didn’t sleep. Me and my bf took a drive and eventually at 4pm I ate my first meal.

On the way home my back started hurting. I had been bloated all day and I felt a release of pressure that I can’t explain. I shrugged it off as gas. Then the cramps started. I tried to say calm until we got home.

I checked my underwear as soon as got into the bathroom. No blood. Thank God. I went to wipe and that’s when I saw it. Blood. So so much blood. My heart stopped. I helplessly searched my phone to see what else this could possibly mean. This was not spotting.

In that moment I could swear I heard my heart shatter. When he came up stairs, I knew he could tell what the news would be. “I’m bleeding” I whimpered begins the tears. His reaction didn’t change, he just kept holding me. Then he started crying too. We just sat there for a moment sobbing together. How could we lose another?

He blamed himself at first, saying that if he hadn’t stressed me, this wouldn’t have happened. But I refused to entertain that idea. There were too many variables.

I’m numb. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to try anymore. I knew this would be our last. I’m heartbroken.