30 days away

Soooo I'm just gonna rant for a quick moment. This isn't anything upsetting, just more of giving it all a break. I've thought about writing this all month.

Going to stop trying for 30 days. Why 30 days and what are we quitting? We are going to stop trying to get pregnant, stop checking glow hourly, like its gonna get us pregnant, stop using pre seed like I'm basting a gd turkey, stop pissing on sticks that have made me feel like my worth is being measured, stop getting excited 12dpo thinking I might see two lines, and stop fn having my man calm my crazy ass down after the inevitable happens.

As of today we have eleven days until Christmas. As of today I have one more day until my 40th birthday. As of today we are getting married in 161 days.

There's so much to be thankful for and yet I'm left with feeling like a failure for not being able to get pregnant. So many fears about my age and I want so much to have a baby with my future husband. He has been such a wonderful role model to my 9 year old son. They are so close and adore each other. Which of course makes me want to have a new addition to our family member even more.

Dec 16th of 2018 we found out we were pregnant and before year end, we lost our pregnancy. That was a pain I never knew existed. I feel for anyone who has dealt with something so painful. I just feel like trying this month is going to put too much weight on us both. Emotionally we were wrecked at the end of last year and it is something we still talk about and work on. We hope we didn't miss our only chance. I read stories all the time about these wonderful families and I just hope you all have your miracle children soon. I hope everyone has a blessed Christmas and we all take a step back to look at our blessings. Your worth isn't measured with two lines, it's measured with the love you share with others.

This shit isn't easy on our hearts, don't be afraid to give yourself a break.