It still hurts.

I found out I’m pregnant again on the 14th but my last pregnancy still haunts me. I can’t stop thinking about what they could have been. I am so greateful for this pregnancy i have now, but sometimes i just want to go in my room, turn off my lights and cry alone, not even with my husband, but let it all out in my pillow. He just doesn’t understand. This is a different type of pain. Here i thought that the pain of not being able to get pregnant was the worst. No, the worst pain is trying for so long just to continue getting negatives, finally get the positive, and reach 2 months to not only find out that you were having identical twins, but neither one had a heart beat anymore. I had a feeling it was two. I should have went with my instincts i say. I should have ate twice as much i say, i should have taken twice as much prenatal i say. I shouldn’t have went to the doctors and gotten so many ultrasounds i say, i should have went to the emergency room the night that i felt like something was wrong, maybe if i didn’t let my husband stress me out from arguing they would still be here, maybe if i didn’t push myself to work that new cna job they would still be here. This shit hurts

I cry almost every day in memory of them and i can’t help it 💔

I miss y’all so much, i wish we could have met. But it just wasn’t gods plan 😔🥺