Stoned thoughts: How to know you're old

I was sitting here celebrating the winter break with a few j's and a bottle of wine. I recently downloaded a cool wine app where you can take the picture and get lots of cool info- I used it to find the alcohol content of the wine I was drinking because stoned me told myself that the app would be quicker than reading... I didn't find it so decided to read. As I read, I felt my eyes droop and my head nod and I thought... yep, faded. As I poured the last drop of the skinny bottle, I told myself that there was no way a 3% wine could get me trashed. Suddenly, I found the alcohol content, and I heard myself gasping, 9%?!! I'm going to be so hungover!!

Y'all... I'm 29!! I used to do two of those and go for a run the next day 5 years ago!!!

Luckily, stoned me is just like.."shhhh... eat this bag of chips and bingeflix murder mysteries witcho drunk ass!"

Am I old????