**trigger warning**

So, just like an hour ago, I had a terrifying experience with my five month old. I woke up and went to check his breathing and couldn’t feel anything. It’s not the first time that has happened and I know sometimes babies breathe really shallow or take long pauses between breaths, so I did what I normal do which is give him a gentle shake. That usually triggers a startle in him but it didn’t this time. I did it a couple more times without response before I start panicking and shaking and shouting his name. It was probably only five to ten seconds but he did eventually wake up and seemed totally fine. I nursed him for a long while and he’s now sleeping peacefully in my arms where I can feel and see him breathing.

But now I’m so scared. Was he just really deeply asleep? Or was it something more? I’m terrified to sleep or have him out of sight. We’re leaving on a long road trip in just a couple hours and I’m already trying to figure out how to rearrange things in the car so I can see him the whole way. His birth was fairly traumatic too (He stopped moving in utero, wasn’t breathing or responding and had a fast heart rate. After the c-section he was completely fine and they don’t know what happened.) and I’ve been having some anxiety around him dying in his sleep ever since. So this experience is just further adding to that anxiety.

I don’t know what to do or how to feel okay again and like he’s safe. I don’t know what to expect or ask for by posting this, but any advice or words of comfort would be appreciated.