He’s leaving

So he’s leaving for a job, and I’m here just sad. I have a mental breakdown at the thought of him not being here. Currently have a few hours left before he leaves in the morning. I won’t get to see him as much just only a few days and back to the same shit. I hated the lifestyle and I have wanted to avoid it. If he wants to be away on the road then fuck it whatever. I’m numb and don’t want to feel anymore. Might be the depressing thoughts I’ve had in my head for a while. Coming in this apartment is just making me blue. I’m trying to get my shit together. I just don’t have it in me to not be so damn angry.

I’ve offered to get off my leave and go back to my job. He still wants to go so oh well. If we part ways I don’t care. I’ll stay single and avoid relationships. I’m just feeling really low. I’m trying to be happy but this pain fucking hurts a lot. He said he’ll call but it’s not the same. No one to hold, sleeping alone, no one here for comfort, no one to warm up to, no one to hold. I don’t care about not having sex, I just want to cuddle. I want physical affection like hugs and kisses. Now I will have just a voice through a phone if I’m lucky enough.

He’s probably not going to make it to see his child born and it sucks cause I want him there, but I guess I’ll deal with that.

I’m trying to find hobbies to make new friends so I don’t end up killing myself.

Edits:

There aren’t any counselors available for new patients in my area. So I can’t do therapy.