this is the first time ive been openly able okay with talking about this, because im super reserved when it comes to stuff like this. but, the only way to get over it is to talk about it.

i’ll begin with the first. also, I WAS NOT TTC.

may 2019, i found out i was pregnant. 5 weeks pregnant. on my graduation night, i would’ve been around 6-7 weeks, i was bleeding. went to the gyno for the first time since finding out i was pregnant, and he told me i was miscarrying. i had mixed feelings about it, but my s/o and i were hurt.

september 2019

i found out i was pregnant again! i was okay with it, but obviously i wasn’t ttc. went to the gyno in October and they did a blood test and said my hcg was showing 7-8 weeks. came back a few weeks later, and said insurance hadn’t approved an ultrasound yet. did another blood test, hcg was still showing i was pregnant and hcg levels had risen. went a 3rd time, and still wouldn’t do an ultrasound. later found out they hadn’t even submitted a full request for coverage. also, my health insurance had to have them send my lab work in in order for them to cover my ultrasound. okay, so this is where other part comes in. i have epilepsy and garden variety insomnia (just a mixture of sleep issues), my sleep study doctor prescribed me medicine in October, i told him i was pregnant and he said it is fine for me to take, because many pregnant patients of his do. well, my epilepsy got super bad in November, went to the doctor and he gave me some medicine and said i’ll be fine and sent me home, but he wanted me to be admitted into the hospital to monitor me, but later decided he didn’t want to. fast forward a couple weeks, December i get a new insurance i go to the ob appointment excited to finally have an ultrasound done, they seem worried looking at it. no heartbeat. my baby had stopped growing at 15 weeks. i should’ve been 16 weeks. the ob started asking me all these questions, and told him of the medicines. he said that some women’s bodies just can’t handle that while pregnant, and that it could’ve happened to anyone. he then said i would need to get a d&c and referred me to another doctor, and that was it. i can’t help but feel guilty, i could’ve handled not having sleep as much and came off of my sleeping meds if that meant i could’ve had my baby. it’s just really hard for me to process everything, even though it’s been a couple weeks. we bought a house a couple of days before we found out of our miscarriage. and i can’t even bare thinking about living there, that was supposed to be a house for our family to begin in. no, i am not ttc. i don’t think i ever want to be pregnant again. good night y’all.