My daughter would have been 9 months old this week. Had her first Christmas yesterday.

I tried talking to my husband about how sad I was and he said “I’m not sad, she’s in Heaven” and I know she is, but I’m heartbroken. I’m dying inside. He believes he can see her in his dreams. But he won’t talk about the pain. If he even has any. He’s accepted the fact she’s gone.

I have tried talking to my mom and the sound of her name just makes my mom cry. So I don’t.

My friends don’t understand. They’ve never lost a child. A sweet baby whom I carried for 8 months. A baby I named and held. A baby who never took a breath.

My therapist is on vacation, but I don’t really talk about her.

It hurts. I wanted to try again and now it’s just a new disappointment. My husband is so optimistic and faithful he thinks if it’s meant to happen it will. I wish I was that faithful, but instead I’m heartbroken and reminded that I failed her. I couldn’t keep her alive. I’m failure and I hate it...