So I recently went to a gynecologist to talk through some of the issues I’ve been having with sex. Sex can be really painful for me and it’s so difficult for the guy I’m seeing to actually get inside me. When he goes deeper I get sharp abdominal pains. The worst part is I have never been able to have an orgasm, not through sex and not through masturbation. Now it makes sense to me why I can’t, it’s a mix of a physical issue and anxiety.

I was told by the gynecologist that I have nerve pain at the opening of my vagina, which is then leading to pelvic floor dysfunction. She gave me lidocaine and told me to see a physical therapist.

I felt the need to share because it’s putting a strain on me emotionally because now I’m wondering what caused the nerve pain (all the explanations the dr. gave me did not apply to myself). Then she asked if I was sexually assaulted, as this could be the reason. This is a topic therapists have brought up with me before (diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bpd, and once even ptsd). It’s believed that I have repressed a lot of memories from when I was a child, I don’t have a good memory at all of my past. And there were people I was told I was terrified of as a little kid but seemed like I didn’t have a reason to be (I remember going through a whole family dinner when I was probably 4 or so with my eyes closed because I was scared of my cousin). So the fact that therapists have been approaching this idea that I exhibit a lot of the signs that I have been sexually abused and now have been told that I have a physical issue is terrifying. I feel like there’s no reason I should be having this nerve pain.

Has anyone had a similar experience/diagnosis? Does anyone have any reasons for why I’m experiencing this pain, how it even started? Also do you remember your childhood (I wonder if my lack of memory is normal; I’m 20 and everything before the age of probably 14 feels like it was movie. I don’t remember how I was feeling, I don’t remember what it was like growing up with my parents, what kind of parents they were, etc. All I have are bits and pieces of random memories, some have some emotional ties and others don’t make any sense. How can I not remember important people being there in my life at a certain age like my stepmom for example?)

Side note: I don’t even think this issue started recently. I was usually drunk when I first started having sex so maybe that’s why it wasn’t as noticeable before? I also remember my first time putting a tampon in way before I even started having sex; I cried, hyperventilated, and remembered it was nearly impossible for me to put a tampon in at first. Is that normal?