Harsh comments needed please

I need a wake up call, if you have time to read my story please do..

I got pregnant with my daughter August 2018 I was just over the moon, throughout my pregnancy I was so careful I ate well, never did anything that could harm my baby probably wayyy over the top (when I would visit my mum she’d be annoyed at how cautious I was) but I’d had losses before and I was determined to have my rainbow baby which I did, I was blessed with my beautiful daughter in May, I remember after birth I just sat in my hospital room and watched her I was in awe at how amazing she was, that she was real! She was everything I ever wanted, we brought her home the car journey was just terrifying! I was definitely over the top and I regret this I think I may have had ppa because I would NOT sleep even when she slept partly because I wanted to look at her 😅 and partly because I was so scared something would happen especially SIDS, I didn’t want her dad to care for her or hold her even while I watched, I was obsessive! Anyway at 2 months old I was putting her to bed and her dads phone flashed I looked and you’ll probably be as shocked as I was it was a message from a gay hook up app, our relationship was beautiful before we had her and I knew it had gone a bit since just because tiredness, normal newborn stuff and because my anxiety annoyed him (all understandable) but this.. 😢 i was very shocked he had met up with guys in their cars and IN OUR HOME to have sex I was broken I was beyond it, the weeks after were bad, I kicked him out (he lost it and beat me) this is all so out of character for him it’s so shocking!! He was the most loving caring man I’ve ever met, he would never do stuff like this before! I had full on break downs where I couldn’t control myself I would pull my hair out, bang my head against the wall etc.. I cared for my daughter by doing the essentials but I felt nothing for anything, I didn’t even feel like I enjoyed her 😥 things got so bad my mum ended up looking after my daughter for 9 weeks while I recovered, I still saw her but I was not looking after her, once I felt well enough she came back to live with me I feel the connection with her again and I enjoy being her mum ( I feel such guilt and am really grieving from that awful time) things are better but I still don’t feel great I cry a lot I feel such intense emotions up and down (yes I’ve been to the dr and they put me on meds) I just am sad and lost and still hurting I also started smoking tobacco when I was really poorly but still do now and basically the whole point of this was I’m an awful mum 😭 I smoke downstairs in the house while she sleeps upstairs, sometimes I forget to change her nappy way too long, sometimes I just sit on my phone or just sit in silence instead of playing with her or doing housework etc, I’m lazy, I’m exposing her to smoke, I need to get a grip! Please help me tell me what I need to hear to get myself together I feel a mess