If you’re reading this be prepared for an extremely long post. I have to vent somewhere. I’m at my wits end. My husband is a great man. He really is. But...we’ve really been struggling the last two months with our marriage. Our guy had a decent NICU stay because he was premature. With the stress of everything, my husband started drinking fairly heavily. During his drinking he made some really stupid decisions. He didn’t cheat on me or anything but he did message someone asking for pictures of her boobs. I made the decision to stay and work things out because he was so hammered he didn’t remember doing it and he said he was going to stop drinking. Well, he has stopped... but he had one relapse last week. I’m still working through things with him because I know addicts can’t change over night and he’s done pretty well for someone who’s been an alcoholic for years.

That being said, the trust issues, me being resentful, and all the changes/lack of sleep with a new baby have really put a strain on everything. I have mild PPD and of course that aggravates the situation too. Well here’s my story for tonight:

I sleep with the baby downstairs and I sleep on the couch so my husband can get good sleep. He works a physically demanding job where he’s outside in the cold and it’s very dangerous, so I want him to be rested so he doesn’t kill himself by making a mistake because he’s tired. I’m a sahm so it seems fair. Well, I haven’t gotten any sleep in the last 4 nights. The first two because that’s when he had his drinking relapse and I was awake all night thinking about everything. Last two because our guy had his 4 month shots and developed a pretty high fever and struggled big time. Literally no more than an hour or two of sleep each night. I’m wiped. And it’s made me very irritable. This afternoon my husband told me he was going to take the baby so I could sleep. He specifically said “you can go up and get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.” So 8:30 rolls around and I go up to bed. I’m just getting ready to drift off and I hear baby crying. It just gets worse and isn’t stopping so I go down. He doesn’t fall asleep well for anyone but me. So I can’t blame my husband for him being over tired and crying. He’s also still crabby from his shots. So I take him and help get him to sleep, which takes over an hour now because he’s mad, and head back upstairs. It’s now after 10. So I drift off, wake up to more crying at about 11:30 but it stops fairly quickly. Then I get a phone call at 3:00. It’s my husband, the dogs need to go out. Ok, fair enough. Go down, take them out to do their business, come back in. I stop in the living room to let my husband know the dogs are good and he goes “are you ready to take over with him now?” I’m extremely confused. It’s 3 am and I’ve gotten nowhere close to 8 hours. So I’m like “well I figured I’d get to go beck up and get another hour or two of sleep. I’ve only gotten like 4.5 hours.” He’s like “you went upstairs at 8. I haven’t slept because I can’t go to sleep when I have him because I won’t wake up until he’s screaming crying.” At this point I’ve seen this coming. I knew I’d never actually get a full nights sleep. So I tell him fine, even though it was no where near 8 when I went up to bed, fine. give me the baby. I’ll get another partial night of sleep and he can go up and sleep until he’s ready to wake up like normal. Mind you...he doesn’t help with the baby at night even on the weekends when he’s off. He goes in to use the restroom and can tell I’m pissed when he walks back through and is like “it’s not my fault you couldn’t fall asleep.” So I lit him up. I explained I didn’t go up at 8, it was 8:30 and I came back down 15 minutes later and helped for over an hour to get the baby to sleep for him. I checked the time when I got upstairs and it was after 10. He called me at 2:42 to take the dogs out. So my 8 hours of sleep turned into 4.5. But whatever. Go upstairs, go to bed like usual, I’ll just continue to function on no sleep at all while you continue being selfish both with your drinking and you sleep. I refused to respond to anything else he said. Maybe that was childish but it was pointless for me to say anything else.

We’re supposed to go to his mom’s today to do her Christmas celebration (she was sick on Christmas). He didn’t go to my family’s thing so now I’m not going to his. He can figure out how to manage the baby by himself. I’m staying home and sleeping since I didn’t get to sleep like I was promised tonight.