Long story alert!

so i met this amazing boy at school back in september, who is literally the hottest boy in the school and has so many girls chasing after him, but he started talking to me (ugly nerd loner haha) and we literally clicked. i’ve never felt like this towards anyone before. after a month of texting all day every day, facetiming every night until we fell asleep and ofc face to face talking at school to he admitted he liked me, telling me how amazing i was and going into great detail about how much he loves my personality and disposition 🥺 so from that moment on, i literally fell head over heels in love. we went to a concert together, and had the most fun time and everything and i really saw a future between us. we have so much in common and even the things we don’t have in common we enjoy seeing each other love :)

because i saw a future and had immense trust for him, we started to tell each other really personal things, and so i confided in him by telling him about an experience i had with a pedophile when i was younger and how it has scarred me and made me very insecure when it comes to physical intimacy (i am a virgin in ALL respects lmao). i basically told him that if he was only interested in moving forward for physical stuff, then it was going to take time with me and that he was going to have to work on it with me to gain my trust. he reassured me and told me not to worry, said nothing could possibly put him off and that he understands it will take time and that i was the first girl he’d met with some sort of depth to me, not just a pretty face and a nice body, he actually wanted my personality too, so this left me glowing and thinking i’d actually found the right person :)

so after another week or two, he asked me out on our first official date to the cinema. it was the most romantic thing ever, we literally cuddled for the entire thing, he lent me his hoodie, took cute pics together and everything ☺️ then the compliments and things on text and in person started to escalate, with him taking cute pictures of me and screenshots of selfies i sent him and vice versa, he really seemed in love and i certainly was :)

then he asked me if i wanted to go round to his house for tea one night so obviously i agreed!! his family are so lovely and we had a delicious meal then went up to his room. he was so respectful of me, we literally cuddled and had play fights and listened to our favourite songs, it was heaven. then we were laid there playing with each other’s hair and he looked down and kissed me. multiple times. and it was amazing!! he kissed me goodbye and everything and when i got home i called him and we spoke and i said sorry if i’m a bad kisser btw, it was my first kiss and he said don’t worry you were fine, you just need more practice and you’re shy don’t worry <3 so i was extremely happy :)

then it was the week before xmas so we gave gifts within our friendship group, which he has joined, and i was the only person he bought for and he bought me something i’d wanted for so long, a fluffy hoodie, because he has one and knew how much i loved it 🥺 he said i can wear it to his whenever i go round so i was like awhhhh :)

the next day i invited him over to mine for pizza, and my mum and sister went out for the evening. we had so much fun, like genuine fun, but this time he was really ill with the flu so didn’t kiss me and was a lil bit off work me but i just put that down to him being ill, although i was a bit deflated i accepted he was having a bad time.

then after another week of cute facetime calls and texts, i leave work to a text asking me to come over to his because he missed me and wanted to spend more time with me 🥺 so ofc i went round! and it was even more heavenly than before - the way he looked at me, cuddled me, played with my hair. picked me up and spun me round, had so many laughs, ugh i loved it!!

then it all went wrong.

i could tell that he was most definitely aroused, and then he looked down and kissed me again but for even longer than the first time, and it was so nice. after another 10 minutes or so, he pulled me super close and WENT FOR IT, like a proper make out kiss but without tongue. i enjoyed it so much omg it was amazing, and he seemed to as well, because he squeezed me tight and smiled and kissed my forehead. then i fell asleep on him for a lil while as he stroked my back, until he gently woke me up because he needed the toilet. he left his phone on the bed and went to the toilet and was only in there for like 2 minutes, came back and sat on the bed. and for 40 minutes, he didn’t touch me, look at me, kiss me or anything. even when i went to hug him, he just shrugged me off. so i’m sat there wondering what i’ve done but staying silent because i didn’t want to ruin anything, then he turns to me and says “when are you leaving then?” and i said oh a few minutes and my mum will be here to pick me up, so he said okay and i got up to get my stuff to leave and went to the front door.

he opened the door for me, gave me a hug and i gave him a kiss and said “awh i won’t see you until after xmas now will i” and he said “no i guess not, bye” and walked off. so i was quite upset by his attitude, and followed him, and gave him another hug and said i was sorry if i did anything wrong or kissed badly, and he shrugged me off and said “yeah it was really bad but it’s ok u just need more practice, look are you going now or what??” so i could feel the tears start forming in my eyes and i was like i’m sorry and this time he gave me a hug and just said “don’t panic” and then walked off.

so i’m distraught, i get home and i just sit in my room crying for hours, and i texted him to apologise again and told him it was just going to take time and practice because i’d never kissed anyone like that before, he could teach me how to do it properly and stuff. he replied with, “it just doesn’t feel right after that, i don’t think with you it’s something that can be taught, it was awful and i didn’t enjoy myself at all, plus it’s a problem if you’re not comfortable being intimate with someone” so this absolutely broke me because he told me before it was okay and he understood it would take time. so i messaged something back that i don’t even remember, and he replied with “it’s not going to help talking about it, i think you should get some sleep” so i said what i usually said to him, “okay, goodnight sweet dreams! :)” and he replied (while i fell asleep) with “gn” instead of his usual “goodnight, sleep well <3”

the next morning i wake up to that extremely blunt text, he never even texted me that bluntly when we were just friends, and cried some more. i just can’t believe i’ve ruined the one thing that made me so happy in my life. he hasn’t spoken to me since, (this was 23rd december), but we both follow each other’s spotify and i keep seeing him listen to my playlists and we’re still looking at each other’s social media posts and stuff. he didn’t even wish me a merry xmas or a happy new year :(

i think i’m over us being more than friends, especially since he never officially asked me out so we weren’t officially a couple, but i just really miss him!! like talking to him everyday, listening to music on facetime together, everything about him i miss but in a friend way, like i just want to stay close friends, particularly as i’ve told him my deepest darkest secrets and we get along so well. i didn’t think he would do that to me at all, at least not in that way, taking advantage of what he knew i was insecure about and making that the problem, so now i’m even more insecure about my lack of experience. moreover, we’re in the same friendship group and everything so it will be awful to see him at school if he hates me now.

basically, everyone’s been telling me not to message him because he’s not worth it, but my heart is telling me to reach out and talk about it and at least ask to stay good friends. i was the one that left him on read after all so maybe it’s my responsibility? i can’t stop thinking about him and i don’t know what to do about it. please help? what do i do? do i message him or wait until we go back to school and talk to him in person?