I’m struggling to find balance.

I work from 3 pm to 1 am. I get up in the morning with my three month old baby, who is fantastic and let’s me sleep till 7 usually. I feed, play, and take care of him till noon when I take him to day care, then I come home and do chores and take a nap before I go to work. My husband picks him up around 4 and handles everything in the evening. Since he’s such a great sleeper, I don’t really see my baby again till morning.

I feel guilty that I only see the baby for 4-5 hours a day. I feel guilty that I drop him at daycare at 12, when I work till 3. I feel bad for my husband because I’m not getting as much sleep as I need and I’m a little cranky. I feel guilty at work because I’m distracted thinking about the baby and I take time out of my day to pump. I feel guilty because my baby has only had breastmilk, but I’m not able to keep up. My freezer stash is slowly diminishing and I can’t pump enough to replace it. In another month or so we’ll have to start supplementing with formula. I feel guilty that I let chores slide because I need a nap more some days. I feel guilty when I eat out at dinner because I didn’t have time to cook something and pack it for dinner at work.

I know I need to learn to let go of things, like keeping the house clean, but seriously I can’t. I know that supplementing with formula isn’t bad, but I feel like I’m failing. I wish I could stay home, but my husband just graduated and is job hunting. Also, I love my job and don’t actually want to quit (more guilt!) I just want my baby to be with me.

Anyway, it’s the end of a long week and I’m tired and needed to have a little vent!