I had noticed for a few weeks that he was acting odd. He was guilty and hiding something from me. This happens every couple of months. I started to get worried and thinking that some girl he met at the gym had tried to come back into his life. He denies anything happened with her, but the encounter that gave him intense guilt coincided with me being across the country for work for over a week. We saw her out in public over the weekend and he pretended to have not seen her and still to this day he claims he doesnt even know who/what I saw that upset me (even though his "tells" are what made me curious and caused me to look around & notice who was there. He also awkwardly turned to where she couldn't see him which was another reason I was like wtf is he hiding from???).

I addressed his behavior again last night and he began to sweat bullets immediately along with all of his other tells when all I asked was, "what did you do?". He kept denying that anything was going on. I asked him if this was what he wanted our relationship to be, because this is how it has been the last few weeks. He said he did not and that he wanted it to work out. He still wouldn't tell me what was going on. I just stared at him for about 15 minutes.

He finally says that he gets tremendous guilt from masturbating to porn. I cant decide if he threw me a small bone to get me off his trail? Or maybe they are sexting and that's the guilt? Or maybe he is cheating. Or maybe he feels guilt from watching porn which just sends my brain down a completely different path...

I have a pretty high sex drive and have never told him no and could do it many times a week, if not a few times a day. In the 12 years I've been with him, he has tried twice to give me an orgasm. I don't get oral. Rarely get fingered. He usually cums very quickly and I have never judged him or made him feel uncomfortable about it. Our sex life took a nose dive when he started going to the gym regularly.

I honestly dont think he loves me and I have had this discussion with him many times as well as provided examples. He rarely has my back or brags about me. I was in the paper for a recent achievement and he told no one, didnt share it on social media, nothing. It made me sad. I once asked why he doesnt treat me like I feel like he should and he said it was because he didnt respect me??? He's a super nice person to all of his friends and will go out of his way for them. He brags about them. Everyone loves him. But he is polar opposite with me. He (I guess) would rather masturbate than have sex with me. Which, every single time, all he wants is literally just me giving him oral then 7-10 pumps of me on my hands & knees in doggy style before he cums. Maybe 3x a year there are other positions or light kissing. I can sometimes get a short make out session out of him if we're drunk enough.

I am just absolutely exhausted and feeling ugly and not good enough. I'm currently opening my own medium-sized business by myself and it's a huge undertaking. I get the keys today and I am depressed and feeling not good enough and am now doubting everything. I dont have time to be stressing about and dealing with my relationship right now. I don't even know if this post makes any sense because I'm just so tired and doubting everything.

Advice??? Thoughts on what is going on so I can stop beating myself up? Ideas on what to do? What can I say to him to get the truth? I think I just need closure.