This is kind of long and full of rant garbage concerning my life and anxiety, so sorry in advance 😐

I have diagnosed depression and an anxiety disorder. I don’t know how it is for everyone else, but having it official really tore me up. I knew my thought processes were “different” in terms of anxiety about everything I guess, and I knew it was not normal to get into the long term funks of depressive thoughts ya know. I guess I kinda always knew. But even though I was diagnosed about a year ago I still struggle. It put a tag on what was wrong with me, and there was nothing I could do about it. It still scares me.

My anxiety has been very high lately as well. Maybe cause it’s a new year and I just thought that after years of dealing with this, with life’s anxiety’s and my depression, I’d be in a better place then where I am.

I quit my meds this last year cause I felt like they were doing very little to help, and I haven’t seen my therapist for a few months cause I vented, but it gave me only temporary comfort. I didn’t get skills to apply to my life when I feel stressed, depressed, or got triggers to cut. You’re not supposed to go for your whole life, right? I’m so frustrated at this point that I don’t care who knows about my headache inducing life and my complaints, I just want help.

Part of this is venting, sure.

But part it asking for advice.

Advice on how you deal with it all; when you get triggers to cut, when you get anxious or in a depressive down, how to be social. How do you do it?

The only reason I’m not dead yet is because I’m too afraid.

Too exhausted to live,

but too scared to die.

I’m stuck in a really lonely and terrifying in between.

Dealing with more current situations, I’m a sophomore in high school. Winter Break was nice but school second semester starts on Monday. I’m so stressed out about it. Especially that I’m in Algebra 3-4 Honors (a Junior class) so I’ve been feeling really out of place.

Also, I failed it. It was the first time I’ve ever failed a class... EVER. I don’t know how to tell my mom either. She will find out eventually. She’s not super strict and has been very understanding and helpful in my journey through this (it was more my father, who’s out of the picture now, who was super strict). But I just don’t know. I feel so bad and stressed like I’ve let myself and everyone around me down. I literally failed. Failed.

As far as social life? I can’t keep up with whatever is popular, it’s honestly a pain to try to learn these things and trends and behaviors and words just to be normal. I’m so tired of people at this point.

Side note (I don’t have things like Instagram and Snapchat or whatever, I never found them interesting, does that make me weird? To want human interaction?)

People just drain me of all energy. I don’t know how to build a social life, yet I crave it. I want close friends and people to hang with, but... I don’t know how. Guess I just have a shitty personality? By now I’ve given up and just try to be invisible I guess. Kicking yourself out of social circles is better then being mocked for your personality and hobbies (l even think it’s normal? I love to read and sometimes write. I paint sometimes. Not great, but like it. I am a bit of a nerd, I watch anime an such but nobody really knows, cause that my personal life)

I guess my social anxiety is worse than I thought now that I’m typing this out. I’m just paranoid that everything about me isn’t good enough for anyone else. See? I know the problems, I just don’t know how to fix them.

I don’t get along with my own fuckjn generation. it’s frustrating. Like I said, I’ve really given up at this point, but I’m tired. I’m so tired and drained and let down by.... everything. Including myself.

If you made it this far thank you for reading through that hot mess. It was a lot of madness really. I really feel like this is one of the few places people actually listen, so I sincerely thank you for that.

Bye now, until next time I guess 💕