Hey ladies, I could use some friendly advice...

I’ve known my man since 2008. We dated on and off since 2011 and got enagaged in October of 2019. He always had a problem with commitment but now it’s gotten worse since he proposed.

He said he wanted to propose to me for years but it was never the right timing. I think he waited ‘til our Anniversary last year because if he waited any longer he knew I would probably leave him. I almost feel like now looking back the whole thing was not a surprise and it was like a forced ultimatum. That was 3 months ago, and in the last 3 months he has totally changed.

He got really cheap, to the point that I have paid for literally everything since we got engaged. I think he figures he bought a ring so now I have to do everything else. But I spent a lot on him in gifts for our Anniversary, multiple trips to NYC, a trip to Salem, date nights; and all his families holiday gifts. When his engine blew in his truck my cousin’s boyfriend who is a mechanic fixed it for him on the side for a fraction of the price, and he didn’t want to tip him. I grew up in a family of mechanics and it irks me when people don’t tip their mechanics. He wound up tipping him after we fought about it but his Dad paid for the whole thing and he said he would pay him back but I’m sure he won’t. His parents enable him and hand him everything on a silver platter.

When it came to the Holidays he was being very cheap. He said he didn’t want to get anyone anything because we got engaged and he was broke. So I literally did all the shopping and paid for everything. He kept putting off helping me pick out his sisters gift and ordering it and it arrived late. 2 days before Hanukkah we got into a fight and it lingered into Hanukkah. I still went to his family’s but we didn’t speak at all. Then Christmas Day I went to his family’s and he ignored me the whole time napped and left saying he was sick. But his mother; a big wino; told me he overdid it the night before with the drinking at Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> when I wasn’t there. I was so annoyed at him that I didn’t text him to see how he felt. 5 days later he texts me asking why I haven’t contacted him when the last time I saw him he was sick and throwing up, and as usual when we fight, playing the victim. I told him I knew he was hungover and I was disappointed in him because he always overdoes it with the drinking if I’m not there to babysit him. He flipped out on me saying he had the flu and was still sick. And he got mad that I said we should spend New Year’s <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> apart since we were fighting and hadn’t talked and since ya know he was still sick. He had his mother text me to vouch for him. She said normally she doesn’t like to get involved (so does that mean he tells her about all of our fights?!) but that he truly was sick throwing up with a fever for days and still isn’t well. I told her that I didn’t want to involve her but she’s the one who told me he overdid it with the drinking but I didn’t tell him that. She shut up real quick. He then texted me saying I ruined all his holidays and he didn’t want to speak to me. So that was Monday and now it’s about to be Sunday and we haven’t talked at all. I’m the one home with the flu now and I am too weak to go drive by his house or see what he’s up to or argue with him or search his apartment or phone- and I haven’t done that in years anyway.

I do have another personal concern. He logged into his gmail on my phone a few months ago and never logged out so I am able to see his google and YouTube search history. For the past like two months he’s been on Pornhub multiple times of the day and night every single day. He has a very high sex drive and sex has never been an issue for us. It’s actually probably the best thing about our relationship and the only thing we’ve never had a problem with. But I went thru 3 rounds of <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> to freeze my eggs this year and I gained 20 pounds. My last retrieval was just before Thanksgiving and we’ve only had sex 3x after that. Last time was almost a month ago. He told me that we need to stop eating out and get healthier in the New Year- lowkey that’s his way of saying I got fat. Maybe he’s not attracted to me anymore? If he would man up and provide and be more mature maybe I wouldn’t have to freeze my eggs if we were in a position to have a baby but no he had to go smoke weed and fail the ironworkers union test 4 years ago when we could have been set. I feel like he’s held us back. I do resent him for that. We are both in our 30’s and I know this sounds so childish and immature. He since stopped smoking weed but his slow season is winter and he always says he will look for a second job but doesn’t and he still smokes cigs and drinks alcohol so what’s the point of going to the gym if he’s just going to ruin it with that? He claims he goes to the gym 5 days a week but he has a beer gut and I’ve seen no improvement in years. When I told him my household was going to go Vegan and get healthier in the New Year he literally rolled his eyes, chuckled, and said “Yeah ok, I’ll believe it when I see it, good luck.” Totally unsupportive! So the last 2 nights he has not logged into Pornhub and of course I’m thinking the worst that he’s fucking someone else. I have been looking at his search history from my phone to see if he’s searching anything about how to fix our relationship like I’ve been but all he does is watch YouTube videos on how to beat the next level of whatever video game he’s playing. He literally lives in a bubble and fantasy world of porn and video games. He wants to name our future son after some character from a stupid video game!

So all this fighting/silence/stonewalling and my discoveries of what he’s been up to is freaking me out. It’s making me think maybe I should call off the engagement? But when we were broken up for a year I was so miserable! I do love him and I kind of do miss him right now; but I am so mad at him. If he’s going to be cheap about the holidays I can’t imagine how he would be about sharing a mortgage or a child. We don’t live together currently. He doesn’t have a great job and I always tell him to apply to the unions. He doesn’t want me to be a stay at home mom. Not even for a year or two but I don’t want to miss my kids first milestones. We were going to try to conceive this year. We both grew up very differently. We’ve had talks before we got engaged about living situations, financials, kids, etc and I thought we were on the same page, but now we are not. I had mentioned we should go to the justice of the peace this Spring to get married so I can get on his health benefits and he seemed ok with it until we were at the mall one day and I saw wedding bands for 50 percent off and said let’s get them and he said he didn’t have money and I asked why and he said “you’re wearing all my money on your finger”- not true and I feel like he resents me. I make more money than him but I also should be saving my money because I’m going to be out for surgery for a few months and he knows that and still let me pay for everything. Winter is my busy season at work so I wound up buying our wedding bands because it was such a good deal and I fell in love with them. But I think shit got real for him in that moment. He told me there’s no point marrying him for benefits because the family plan is a 5k deductible and even if I split it with him he has no plans to pay his part of it because he never goes to the doctor because he never gets sick. I think he has really cold feet about making any future plans. He doesn’t want to talk about wedding plans with me at all and gets annoyed when his best friend talks about his own wedding plans. I think he thinks he gave me the ring so I would shut up and that should be it. But he didn’t think anything else thru. I can’t even tell you why I love him honestly, I just do. But now I’m the one who feels like he’s pushed me away and now I’m having cold feet and second guessing it because I have my doubts. When people ask what my wedding plans are I say none-wedding planning gives me anxiety so I am holding off for now. I don’t want to break up and start over in my 30’s. I just feel like if the engagement ends then everyone is going to say I told you so. Our relationship has always been rocky. Now that there’s a ring involved it makes it a hundred times worse.

So ladies, if you read this far; what should I do? I know it’s wrong that I’ve been spying on his search history, but I needed to know what was going on. I also can’t tell him that I know about his porn addiction because that would incriminate myself. Do I break the silence or let him come to me when he’s ready? We’ve never gone 1 day without texting, so this is new. I know I should be the bigger and better person and not mirror his actions, but I’m really annoyed with him. This isn’t how an engagement and possible future marriage should start off. If anyone has anything nice and constructive to say, please comment below. Sorry this was so long and all over the place but I felt like I should mention the backstory of his commitment issues and our history. Thank you.