Hey y’all✌️

Soooo idk how to start so excuse if I ramble plz and excuse my grammar. If you read on to the end, thank you so much🙏, truly. ❤️

Okay so here’s the tea:

I’ve been in a relationship since I was 17 to a man who was 21. He was my first and I hadn’t been in a really serious relationship with anyone before him.

Well, the thing is that I’ve developed a lot of anxiety and am now in a position that I have nothing going for myself. Part of the things that caused my anxiety is being a sexual abuse survivor and becoming aware of it. The rest is being around toxic “friends”, isolating myself from family and friends, and my SO’s family is very toxic. There has also been a lot of toxicity in my relationship with my SO...

Part of my problem is feeling socially anxious especially. I started to feel very scared of having social interactions to the point that it’s been hard to even keep eye contact and sometimes I can’t stand it if people come close to me. It’s like I have a physical reaction to it. It’s almost like I started believing I’m a bad person, especially because when I went around my SO’s family they would all judge me, look at me up and down then whisper in eachothers ears and laugh, try to make me sound stupid or say things that I wouldn’t say, make vulgar and rude comments about me my sex life and my appearance and my weight. It got to the point that I would be there and just put my head down and I started to make myself smaller and smaller. Being around them made me feel like, “maybe there was something wrong with me, like maybe I am ugly, maybe I am fat”. I started to believe what they labeled me as and lost a lot of my self esteem, confidence, and kindness because I became angry and hurt. It’s like they gang up together and once they all decide someone is something that’s what it is. It’s hella toxic and hard for me to be there and having to endure how they behave towards me.

I think at one point I had really lost my shit(my marbles). I have been trying to better myself for hella long. I don’t have a job right now, I don’t have my license, I stopped going to school. I have nothing going for me now.

So I just want to start doing what’s best for me. I want to seek therapy. What I have been trying to do now is surround myself only with people who I know truly support me and have good intentions for me. I am also not going around a lot of people like not even my family. I’m around my SO, parents, sibbling, and have a close friend from high school who I text often. Other than that I just really don’t want to have a lot of people around me right now. I guess I don’t want to have to deal with hella questions about my life and all that usual small talk stuff cuz I have been lost for hella long and I have no idea what I want right now or have anything to really say about myself. I just want to have time to myself and figure out my self and my life and try to actualize my plans into something that’s actually real not just goals. When I talk to people it’s so hard to express myself and having to answer questions about my life when I have no freaking clue where the hell im headed. I have stopped going around my SO’s family but idk if I am making the right choice. I just want to be able to spend time focusing on myself, my mental health, physical health, getting my license, possibly getting a job if I can handle it anxiety wise,etc. I have been through hell for the past 4 years and I just really want to put ME first.

How do I go about doing that? I need help. Is it okay to stay the hell away from people and just do me?