I’m really struggling (sexual abuse)

I was groomed and then abused, sexually molested when I was 11-12

I didn’t quite realize I was abused until I got older and got mental help

My mind just isn’t wrapping my head around things, now that he has the possibility of being let out of prison next year

I know, logically, that the man who hurt me was very manipulative.

I know he is sick.

I know that he fed me alcohol and I said no multiple times the first time he penetrated me after I was very drunk

I know he brought up conversations about topics that were too old for me when I was a young age about other family members

I know that I felt obligated to say yes to other times of having sex because I had already done it before while intoxicated

I know the one of the times I did say no while sober, he did not stop.

I know I didn’t say anything for so long because I did not want to get him in trouble because he told me he would

I know I did not grow up in a healthy environment and the same man who abused me, also abused my aunt. I know my family acted as if it was normal that a 26 year old impregnated a 15 year old and allowed him to stay around. I know my mom openly cheated on my step father and would sneak me around with her boyfriend to keep secrets.

My mother allowed me around people who did not treat me normal and knew they were “creepy”

I know from a LOT of therapy that I was a child and I was supposed to be taught and protected

And instead I was put into situations I shouldn’t of been. I was shown things I shouldn’t of been shown. I was not in a stable loving environment.

I was looking for acceptance and love, and a monster took advantage of that by pretending he was my friend.

I know, as a 21 year old, that it is wrong to even attempt to ever touch a 11 year old child. It makes me sick.

But for some reason when I think of a 30 year old touching me as a child, I blame myself.

I feel disgusting that he touched me.

I reread old messages and it seemed like we were friends, and I have a hard time realizing that we were not.

I remember wanting to be friends and ignoring his flirtations as he typed and changing subjects from him.

I remember asking if we hung out again, can it not be like last time.

I remember hearing about times my aunt tried leaving him hearing about him slashing tires, hurting her, breaking stuff, and threatening to kill himself.

I remember my friends brother hurting her,

But I have a hard time telling myself that it was not my fault because when I was there I wouldn’t do anything with him like he wanted me to

I have a hard time telling myself

That I was a victim because I truly feel like i screwed up bc someone found out

And I’m afraid my abuser feels that way too

And I’m afraid he will be mad at me when he gets out