Maybe TW? Just a vent, I think

I really don’t know where to post this, I don’t even know if I want people to reply. I just need to vent? I‘ve had depression and anxiety for years, I was put on medication and then take off because we all thought I got better at managing it/myself. I’ve been okay for a while. I have an amazing boyfriend, my family has its ups and downs but I love them, my boyfriend’s family has also taken me in. I have no reason to be depressed, yet here I find myself hating myself and thinking that the world is better off without me. I hate my job, but I can’t afford to quit. I’ve applied to quite a few places and I never get a call back even though I have exactly what they’re looking for or a little more. I moved away from home an my family, so I think that plays a part in this. But I talk to my parents everyday and we make it a point to video chat at least once a week, and I’ll video chat with my brother and his family a couple times a month too. My boyfriend is in the military and is currently in Florida (I’m in PA, I moved from CA) for training. Which may also be playing a part to things, I’m not sure. I had two anxiety attacks at work today; I cried all 40 minutes to work and all 40 minutes home. I’ve tried to call a few different psychologists and psychiatrists for two days. I got a voicemail from one place saying that I was “giving them a headache” trying to get in touch. I left voicemails stating that I can’t answer my phone because I work somewhere where we handle super confidential information. I was trying to ask for help and was told I was just causing more of a burden. I tried a different office, and I’ve not been able to get in touch with anyone. I have to take a semester off of school again, because I can’t afford it. Pushing my graduation date back even more. Which makes me feel like I don’t even deserve to work in something I’m passionate about because I can’t afford my schooling. How on earth can I be capable at my job if I had to lock myself in the bathroom twice because of a panic attack? I‘m tired of trying to find help because what if I’m just “a headache” to them? I don’t really have anyone to talk to in PA, I don’t socialize much because I’m really not that interesting of a person and I feel like I’m just a bother to everyone else. I’ve had darker thoughts all weekend, yesterday and today (Monday and Tuesday); I’m trying so hard to resist because I know it’ll just bring people grief. But I really just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I just feel so tired and drained. I’ve tried talking to my boyfriend but I really don’t want to burden him with this while he’s in training, so I try to just bottle it up. I’m just so tired..