scared

trigger warning. my boyfriend and I conceived in late September. we made the hard decision to abort. I have had a long battle with mental health and felt I could be a much better mother with more healthy time under my belt. a couple months passed with no cycle which I expected. what I did not expect was my first cycle after the surgery to be like it was. I have never had a cycle like it, clots that looked like organs. i couldn't beleive it actually wouldve fit in my uterus they were so large. the pain had me puking and I made the decision to go to hospital. I had an ultrasound the week before for left side abdominal pain since conception. I had another ultrasound during that hospital visit.

today my dr gave me the results of the ultrasounds. it seems I may have endometriosis. I have another ultrasound in a week to confirm or rule out. I am so terrified that pregnancy was my shot and i took it away. all I've ever wanted to be was a good mum. I understand women have conceived with endometriosis, and if I couldnt there are other options. it doesnt pacify my pain in the moment. I feel absolutely crushed