Stay or go?

My so and I have been together longer than anyone thought we’d make it. No one believed we loved each other when we got married. We were young and immature but we were sure about each other. Now years and many tough times later, after feeling like the only one fighting to keep us together, I feel like I’ve about reached my limit. I’m in a high stress environment when I’m away from home and the last thing I want is to be around someone who’s not only going to be petty but who’s also going to remain bitter about happenings from years past.

I’m by no stretch perfect. I’ve been plenty selfish myself and hurt my so in their love language the same way they’ve hurt me in mine. After a lot of forgiving on both sides, I’ve started feeling like I’ve gotten almost all I can take. This year they brought up the idea of separation multiple times (which was new for us), and I was extremely hurt. I felt incredibly unwanted and a little dead inside. We came out of it, but the experience stuck with me. One of my greatest fears is being left because I’ve not been good enough. We became so distant that I almost had committed to leaving. I’d considered how the separation would begin, how to handle the kids, would separating make me a bad mom, etc.

Then seemingly out of nowhere, and with terrible timing, my so starts apologizing and saying they didn’t truly mean that they didn’t want to be with me and that they were embarrassed at their behavior and words.

And I feel bad because I just feel frustrated and confused. I’d all but let them go and all of a sudden now they want to fight for us when I feel like I’ve been shoved away and shoved away and told in every way except for the use of the actual words “I don’t want you.” Now I feel like to not try with them would make me a bad person. I know I want second chances. They do too and who am I to deny them? But I’ve been hurt a lot and I know they have too. I wonder if we’re just incompatible or if we can actually get over these bumps in the road? I don’t want to be a quitter, but nor am I willing to put up with the harshness that I have while I’m in this already stressful season.

So what now?