I don't like babies, but I want one...

I'm a nanny. I've watched all ages of children and I truly love what I do. Before I get into it, no, I would NEVER hurt a child in any way, or neglect them. I'm a nanny for a reason, and I'm great at what I do. I've been a nanny for 7 years.

I currently have a job watching 7 month olds. I've been with them since they were 1 month. The more time I spend with them, the more I've come to realize that I don't enjoy young children. It was fine the first month or 2 when they couldn't do anything. I'd take care of them, play with them, and they'd sleep most of the time. I didn't mind the crying, I just did what I needed to and they'd calm down.

But now they're older. They're crawling, vocalizing, and putting everything in their mouths. They also follow me everywhere, and into places they shouldn't be. I constantly have to put them back into their playroom. Newborns can't get into trouble, and most children by age 3-4 know how to at least stay out of most danger in the house. It's the "in-between" that I hate. I try to play with them and keep them entertained, but I have come to realize that I get no joy from it. I look at them and feel no emotion beyond obviously caring for their safety. I feign happiness and smiles. I act like I love them even when there's nothing inside..

I know I want children. Desperately, actually. But now I'm not so sure if I'll ever be a good mother for the first years of their lives. I hate taking care of children between ages 6 months-3 years. They just seem like a burden. Its not like they're hard to take care of, they're actually pretty easy and I don't mind doing it, but it's frustrating. I feel like a mindless, emotionless zombie when I care for children of this age. I feel like an awful person for feeling this way.