What do you do when your toddler says no?

Question

When you ask your toddler to do something reasonable and they just flat out say no, put up a big fight about it etc. how do you handle it? My 2.5 year old has always been so sweet and easy going, suddenly he says no to everything we ask of him and even if we say nothing back he follows it up by getting louder and more upset yelling no. I know this is all totally normal but I just don’t know the best way to handle it. Today I told him we had to put our jackets on to get in the car because we had an appointment, so non negotiable we had to get in the car to go out and jacket had to be worn (in Canada, and having a snow storm currently) I ended up basically just forcing it all to happen while he screamed and cried and I hate that for him and for me. I gave him lots of warning before we left, explained what we were doing and he wasn’t even doing anything fun that he had to stop to leave, we were just bumming around the house snacking and getting ready for the day. He does it with other random things too so it’s not just about getting in a car or getting dressed. Just generally how do you handle it when your child just fights you and says no no matter what?

Answer

He’s testing you. I don’t give my daughter a choice to say no- I tell her in 2 minutes we are putting coats on to leave. After 2 minutes I say “which coat are you choosing today?” Which stops the whole choice of not wearing one as they go straight to choosing which one they want. We have pegs that she can reach so she gets it herself.
Other times when she says no I say “oh dear” and then completely ignore her by going into another room while she’s being silly. When she comes to he I say “you were rude to mummy- you need to say sorry”
She’s pretty good now

Answer

My son is like this at the moment too, same age. I usually start by asking why he’s upset, sometimes it’s something as simple as he wants to grab a toy before we leave or he forgot to eat his snack or something, in which case, if it’s suitable to let him fix the issue then he can, or if not (like if he wants to wear his dads shoes out or wants to carry on playing or something) I explain that he can’t do that right now but if he settles down then we can maybe we can do it later. If that doesn’t work or if he’s just grumpy or tired or being irrational then in a normal tone I’ll tell him why the situation is changing or explain why I’m asking him to do whatever it is and will say something like “hey that’s enough/come on there’s no need for this/this isn’t going to get you your own way”, followed by asking him to take a deep breath and calm down- sometimes this works first time. If he persists or gets worse I’ll do the same in a sharper, firmer, voice. If this still doesn’t work then I’ll get down to his level, ask him to look at me and gently put my hands on his shoulders or something to focus his attention, and will explain again why I’ve asked him to do the thing, remind him that this sort of behaviour doesn’t get him his own way, and again ask him to take a breath and calm down, and I’ll take a deep breath or two until he does the same. That’s usually all it takes so I’ll just say thank you for calming down and remind him that we don’t need to behave that way, and he’ll usually say sorry and then just move on. 
Seems to be working at the moment!

Answer

Sometimes distraction works for smaller things (would you like to bring one toy in the car/ when we’ve done this you can choose a game) more often I use just a simple choice and they have to pick quickly. This usually works after a few times. E.g ‘we need to go out are you putting on your coat or am I doing it? Are you walking to the car or am I carrying you?shall I wash your hands before dinner or do you want to do it?’ It gives them a feeling of control over the situation even if both things lead to the same outcome. Giving praise for independence/ making good choices works too.

Answer

In that situation I’d get him to stand outside for a second to understand why he needs to wear jacket. Get a little chill. Sometimes when my toddler understands why I’m asking something of her, she is more cooperative.

Answer

I have a process:
1. Say "you mean yes ma'am" (in which he repeats yes ma'ma and then does what I say. If he still refuses stage 2.
2. Send him to time out. This almost always works. If that doesn't work then stage 3. 
3. 1 bare butt swat with the wooden spoon. This step is very rarely needed. 
My son is very strong willed, but not so strong willed that I need a step 4. 🙂 We discourage disobedience with small matters because one time he put himself in a life or death situation, and refused to listen. The "no" phase may be just a phase, but that doesn't mean you can't correct it. Good luck. 😊

Answer

It’s a phase they go through. They’ll go through it, then it stops. Nbd.

Answer

My second child was very strong willed. I vividly remember a moment he didn’t want to leave the library and I had to carry him under my arm kicking and screaming and then use all my body weight to fight him into his car seat to strap him in. Then I sobbed in the front seat while he screamed and then eventually fell asleep. 
The fact you are asking for help means you are a good mama. Some kids are just naturally harder than others and you have to truly get to know them to understand them. After a while I found that my child thrived when I let him make decisions based on ones he had to do. “Do you want to wear your green or your red jacket?” If he replied “no jacket” then I’d say again “green or red?” And I wouldn’t back down ... yes this took a while but every time he would finally choose one. And on the days he didn’t, I would give a consequence, both natural and my choice. “If you don’t choose a jacket, you will be very cold and you also won’t get to play .... after nap” and usually that worked ... but again, if that didnt ... I would forcefully put jacket on and put him in car. And I’d say “you have to obey mommy and I hope we can make this easier next time” .. just keep your calm and show him that your way is the way that is happening. You’ve given him choices and he still won’t budge, then he loses his choices and it’s still mommy’s way. This is not a power struggle. You are the mama and he needs to listen. Sorry that was a novel. Message me anytime. My strong willed one is 8 now and we still struggle sometimes but nothing compared to ages 1-4 lol

What do you do when your toddler says no?

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