Long, read if you're bored?

I'm not an idiot, I know my relationship is garbage. We are both not the best partner to each other.

I have caught him many times over the years, before and after our marriage, engaging in sexually explicit conversations and image sharing with people online.

Every time I confront him he claims, "I dont remember doing that."

The first few times I convinced myself maybe he was telling the truth and there was truly something wrong with him. Now, almost 10 years later, I know its bullshit and he just doesnt want to own up.

I'm the idiot who married him knowing all this. I'm the idiot who had a kid with him. I'm the idiot who thought, it will get better he loves me and I love him so it will work out.

I'm just angry now. Mostly at myself, because I was that stupid naive girl. And I take that anger out on him, I snap I yell and I belittle him. Is that right of me, no, absolutely not. However right now I dont have the mental willpower to not let my anger out at him.

And now I've put myself into an absolute shit show of a situation.

I dont have my drivers license because I have extremely bad anxiety about driving due to childhood trauma so I rely on him for transport.

I haven't had a steady job for years because I'm constantly dealing with our home being a shit pile and spending all the time he isnt at work entertaining him.

Where we live there is no affordable housing, and my only family lives across the country from us.

So I basically accept that I cant just walk out, because I'll be homeless, jobless, etc.

I'm not just angry at him for the infidelity, he also doesnt give a shit about his hygiene, doesnt want to leave the house ever, and puts more time and effort into video games and managing his hobbies than he does into our finances, maintenance of the house, and even keeping his standing secure in his job.

He has worn the same pair of underwear for weeks, and wonders why I dont want to touch him. He wears dirty clothing for days on end because he is too lazy to change, only showers when he has to for work. His desk is a pile of dishes and trash and bottles, the floor underneath it is crusted with dust and debris, which he then leaves his work clothes laying on, unwashed.

He wont cook for himself, he would rather eat an entire bag of chips than microwave a bowl of soup. And then complains because he is overweight. If I suggest eating healthier he insists on restrictive crash diets, which I dont tolerate, so of course he blames me for being unsupportive.

I've been anxious and angry for a long time, but when I had my daughter 20 months ago it all just sort of started to boil over. I've had fits of blind rage where I've thrown things because I couldnt find a way to make my body stop shaking with anger. I've been suicidal, and depressed to the point of wanting to hand my child over to the authorities. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of postpartum thing going on, but I just cant afford the time and the therapy it's going to take to fix it while I'm still neck deep in this bullshit.

Yesterday when I confronted him about his latest round of infidelity he decided to threaten to kill himself so I would take back that I wanted a separation. Yah, I know this is abusive. But am I supposed to call his bluff and know that if he does do it my daughter no longer has a father? So I agreed to 'work on it' with him. His version of working on it is seeing a work therapist who tells him he has an addiction and that's why he cheats. Sure, but addiction can be treated let's maybe work on that.

I've suggested couples therapy and he refuses, because the last time we went he was told that him being upset about me not sleeping with him or me being unhappy with him being a slob does not give him liberty to cheat on me.

I got super sick in our first year of marriage. Graves disease. Nearly died before they figured out what was wrong, my heart was getting so weak I was at risk of it just stopping. He looked after me, and risked his career to be there.

I will never stop being grateful for him being there for me.

When I got better, after my radiation therapy and medication, our home, and our finances, were in complete disarray. And I was depressed. So it just got worse. I was functionally useless for about 2 years while I tried to pull myself back together.

Ive been anxious and depressed and moody for years, but it's been worse lately. I snap at him because I have to be around the mess and the smell and constantly bite my tongue about it because if I say anything it hurts his feelings. His excuse is always that he is too sore, too tired, or busy with a video game. (Not bashing video games, just think real life should be a priority.)

I've started just throwing shit away. I'm done living in a house full of crap he 'has to have' and then having to dust around it while it sits on a shelf for 3 years untouched. Funny thing is, he is actually realizing that our house feels more spacious, more livable, when its clean and uncluttered. Wow who would have thought.

So yah, my life is a fucking shit show. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm depressed. And I'm pretty sure my marriage cant be salvaged. But I'm gonna Marie Kondo the shit out if this house and make it a place where I am comfortable living. I'm Gonna put up a fucking curtain around his desk and make it clear that if he is going to be a filthy slob he can stay in his cave of filth alone. He can fuck around all he wants, doesnt matter to be, I wont be touching him.

Make the best of a bad situation, right?

We agreed that our daughter should attend a daycare program to be social and have early learning opportunities. I'd like to add in here that he is a good father, despite his many shortcomings. So I have monday to friday to start working again. Going to open a bank account and start saving. Maybe eventually things will change. But until they do I'll just make small steps towards independence.

I do love my husband. We get along wonderfully when the rest of the mess falls away. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. I'm sure he is struggling, but I think for us both to be happy we need to work on ourselves before we work on each other so that is what I'll do. I hope things work out, but I'm not naive enough anymore to believe that they will.

Wow you made it this far. Got any advice? Yeah, leave his ass, I know.

Have you been in a similar situation? Tell me your story.

Anonymous because I know people IRL on this app.