Terrified of being a mom.

This is a long post but just thinking aloud here. I’m super scared to be a mom. We’ve been trying for 6 months. When we started, I felt like “ok, it’s time” (we’re in our 30s). I was excited at the thought of some kind of challenge I guess (sounds weird I know) because I’ve just kind of been able to get the things I go after in many ways (college, job, marriage, etc). Then I had a MC back in October and I was devastated. I was only about five weeks along but I was destroyed. We had been waiting for my cycle to get back to normal to try again and here we are.

Yesterday, we visited friends who just had a baby. I held him (he’s like six weeks) and I didn’t really feel anything. Some people are head over heels for babies. I’m not really but want children. I never felt like I wanted any until about a year and a half ago. I don’t feel particularly maternal. Now I’m obsessing —should I not have kids? Or did I feel this way because the baby wasn’t mine?

As more background, my parents are divorced and I had grown up with my mom. I’ve had issues with her off and on (she’s controlling) and I vowed if I ever had kids I’d do things differently. My husband is the sweetest, gentlest person I’ve ever met and I know he’ll be a good dad.

I just can’t shake this feeling. Do I want this? Or am I just scared of change? I know I’m not saying things people haven’t said before. I’m just so worried all the time. Not sure why I’m posting—-just wondering how other 30-somethings feel.