on july 20th, the weekend after my 18th birthday i decided to throw a party at my grandfather’s lake. i invited some of my closest friends at the time and of course there was alcohol. my two best friends and i, with my dad, got to the lake first to set up everything and we decided to drink a little early. it was about 3 or 4 o’clock when we started drinking. we changed into our swimsuits and got the floaties because 1- we were drinking and 2- none of us can swim good anyway.

a few hours later, about four more people arrived. everyone was getting along and having fun, not to mention i was flirting with this guy. i wasn’t looking for a hookup or a relationship at this time, not at all. back in june, i found out i was pregnant and then has a miscarriage on july 3rd , not even a month before.

back to my story, everyone was having a good time, swimming and fishing. i got drunk pretty quick so i stopped drinking around 12am. this guy kept flirting with me and i did the same, no harm in flirting right? then he kissed me. a few times actually, and at that point i didn’t think anything else was going to happen. just a few kisses, no harm. i did end up telling this guy that i didn’t want to do anything sexually, and i told him why. he seemed to acknowledge that for the most part until it was about 4:30 in the morning. given the fact that i was a little bit more sober at this time.

around 4am, everyone seemed pretty beat and drunk, again i was decently-ish sober at this point. we had three tents. my personally tent which i intended on sharing with my female friends, and then two for the other people, however they wanted to share. things didn’t exactly go as planned. i went into my tent first, expecting my friends to follow. my one friend J, she went to the tent to my right and pretty much knocked out as soon as she hit the ground. my other friend P, she wanted to sleep in her car and not on the ground. two of my other friends, took the last tent which left my friend D, to sleep in the truck, which he didn’t mind.

i left a person out. i know. this guy, he decided to come into my tent. i was pretty tired so i didn’t acknowledge the fact that he was so close to me. i did end up telling him to stay on his side of the tent, i’m not the mean person who makes people sleep outside. i put a barrier between us then i tried going to sleep. a few minutes go by, and he cuddles up to me and starts kissing my neck. then he kisses my lips and starts touching me. i tell him to stop, and i say that i don’t want to. he didn’t care.

eventually he had me pinned, he was on top of me. he was strong, and i wasn’t. he kept shushing me, and telling me that it was okay. even though i know it wasn’t okay. the way his cold touch felt against my skin, the way he gripped my hands over my hand, the way he knew what he was doing was wrong. still haunts me.

after he was done using me like a toy, he went to sleep. i crawled out of the tent and went over to my friend J’s tent and i sobbed, and explained everything.

this is my story. i want people to know that i’m a survivor of the pain, fear, anger, and guilt. for months, i blamed myself for it happening. but i said no. he was the monster.

just know, you’re not alone.