What should I do now?

Let me start when I was younger

When I was 6, I had the best life. I had amazing friends and a great family. I was kinda a trouble maker so I would a time out for that. Then, when I reached 7, I had to move because there were no middle schools for my brother. When we moved I met a lot of new people. I was then in third grade. There were cute boys and nice teachers. Third was perfectly fine, that was until fourth grade. My teacher was kinda mean and my friends started to hate me. I had a friend, Annabelle and we were practically best friends, that was until Haley. When Haley came around, Annabelle met her first. They started becoming good friends. When I met Haley everything went smoothly. Us three were great friends but, I think I did something wrong. To fit in I started acting like everyone else, swearing, cool graphic tees, hanging out with the boys and keeping those few girlfriends. Annabelle started kinda pushing me away. At first I didn’t mind, we have more than just one friend. But, it started getting worse. Her and Haley started being really rude and really nice. One day in gym, Haley had told me she waxed her armpits (weird right?) and she walked away. I saw Annabelle come towards me and I thought to myself, ‘We’re all friends right? I should be able to tell Annabelle.’ I had told her and she wanted to know if it was true. They both walked back over to me and yelled at me, saying I was a liar. I was so shocked and hurt that I didn’t know what to do. I have a big mouth so I told both of them that Haley just told me this and they should stop yelling at me for false information. They started telling everyone I was a liar and that I can’t keep secrets. I didn’t know what depression was then but I knew I had it. It got worse over time. One day we were having a little fundraiser and the three of us were up there looking around at stuff we could buy. Haley picked a mood ring and put it on, but she never took it off. Annabelle saw a little polar bear thing and a ring and picked up both. They told me to get one too. This was stealing, I knew I couldn’t do it, but I didn’t want to lose my friends. I took and mood ring and before you know it, it’s time to go. I felt so guilty that when we got back to class I sat down and said “I feel really guilty about. We really shouldn’t have stole! We have to put these back.” I could tell they were mad but understanding in a way. We told our teacher, well, I did anyway, and she told use what to do. We were in music the next day when our teacher told me and Haley to go to the office. The principal talked to us one by one. When she got to me, it wasn’t that bad. I told her the truth, like you should, well, bad idea. She said we had to eat lunch in the office to fill out what we said. When I got to lunch, Annabelle and Haley literally pushed me away and told me that everything was my fault and that everyone knows it. I wanted to run and cry so bad but I just sat there. We gave apology letters to our teacher and to the fundraiser lady. When she read mine, she had told me that it was okay and to make sure you don’t fall under the influence again.

Jump to fifth grade where things started getting better. Haley had moved and I was kinda grateful because she wasn’t the greatest, especially when Annabelle isn’t there. Fifth grade was going great until it wasn’t. We all joke around with our friends right? Well, it didn’t seem like it. One day on the bus me and my friends were all there just waiting for everyone to get on. I was talking about the song Fun by Pitbull and Chris Brown stands for Fuck You N- when Annabelle interrupted me saying that she came up with at and not me. I didn’t know what to say. Then she had slapped me clean across the face. I was trying so hard not to cry so I laughed with everyone else. There were endless slaps after that. One day on the bus we were laughing and joking and I guess I said something bad because Annabelle slapped me, really hard. I didn’t think I could do it but I was so angry from how she would treat me that I got up, teacher across my friend and started fighting her. I was crying in the end because I was thinking, ‘What the hell am I doing?! I don’t fight people and I don’t like hurting people!’ We ended up getting ISS but I felt like it was worth it. She kept bullying me for so long that I built up so much anger that I couldn’t keep it in. Days after there was a week of schools left. I shit everyone out because they were all corrupted by her saying “Oh well you totally lost that fight.” Who give a shit. There was this popular girl, Nadia, she had said something kinda mean to me and I truly didn’t tolerate it. The thing is, she’s a sweet girl who doesn’t do anything wrong. I had told the guidance counselor, we’ve practically become friends at this point, and when she called me back, Nadia was sitting there crying. I felt so heartbroken, she really didn’t deserve this. She was so sorry and I had told her that I forgiven her. Fast forward to graduation. All my friends were there all happy, I had came in late. When they saw me, they jumped and hugged me. I was so thrilled by it that I felt loved for the first time in a while. My family started hating me after everything that had happen, they blamed me for everything. Graduation was a success!

Now let’s start getting up to date

Now here’s sixth grade, all happy and cheerful. My mom and dad just kept pressuring me and bullying me that it was hard at times, it didn’t help my depression one bit. One day I was getting negative thoughts in my head while doing an activity in Social Studies. They were so bad that I grabbed the scissors next to me and just started to hurt myself. I immediately stopped in mid air. I started staring at my arm thinking, ‘Am I really gonna harm myself, in front of all my friends? Would they help me, or would they cheer me on?’ My friend Mayanna stopped me when she realized what she was seeing. My teacher Ms.Rose came over and asked what had happened. I couldn’t get any words out. I was so in shock that I couldn’t think straight. I put away the scissors and just started doing my work again with no commotion. While in P.E, I was brought in the guidance office to see my parents there with such sad looks on their faces. How can they look so sad when they were the cause of this? The guidance counselor kept asking me what would cause me to do this. I told her negative thoughts and left it at that. I started therapy for the rest of the school year, which was from May to August.

Seventh grade was my year. I had my boyfriend, I figured out I was bi, and had amazing friends. Nothing went wrong there, but, now we’re here to present day. Eighth grade, were everything went to shit again. My depression got worse. My boyfriend became toxic when we broke up, my family was blaming me for everything, my anxiety went up, and the worst thing of all, I started cutting. When I first did it, it felt good. It went enough to help me but it was a start. A recent night I was in pain with my emotions and decided to tell friends that I trust about my feelings. I’m not really open about my feelings. They were so helpful and considerate about my feelings. They truly wanted to help me. I felt loved, and I don’t even believe in love. Here’s the problem, my mom still treats me like shit, my anxiety is through the roof, and I still cut. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel normal again. I don’t want to die one day because I was yelled and ridiculed by people who are supposed to love me and save me from these demons. What can I do to help myself go back to being that carefree 6 year old that was so passionate and happy that nothing stood in her way. What should I do now?