My baby is 5 weeks old. I’ve been kinda tired. Not feeling depressed. I love my body. I feel beautiful. Everybody keeps asking how I feel good being at home all day alone with the baby and not doing anything?? I’m home, cleaning and chilling. Holding my new baby and loving him as much as I can. I’m so happy he’s in my life. I’m so happy it’s saddening. Like I’ll cry because I love my kids so much. And the thoughts change. Like what if they die. What would I do if lose my babies? If someone gets sick and hospitalized? How could I live without them?? And then I feel really scared that I even had those thoughts. Why do I have to be so morbid? Why do I even think up that negative energy. Like thinking it will make it come true. I don’t even feel safe writing this or telling anybody because I’m worried that it’ll happen if I share the thoughts. I fear that someone will use strong energy or voodoo and cast it on us. I hate to use the word voodoo because it makes it sound really stupid but it’s something that’s making me paranoid.

My cat got out and brought fleas back. I found a flea on my bed the other day and can’t stop cleaning. I’ve been moving furniture and cleaning hard. I started to throw away clothes and stuff because I’m scared that the fleas will transfer some sort of bacteria or illness that will bite my kids and cause them grave illness.

Im worried about driving now. I’m terrified my baby will die from sids.

Im scared. I hate this. And I know I can’t prevent it. I know these things are natural occurrences. But I’m fucking scared you guys.

Not in any way or form am I considering self harm or harm of my kids in anyway. I’m just obsessively thinking about natural deaths. Like every parents worst nightmare. Except I can’t filter the thoughts out. I cant make my mind forget about the dangers of living.