My husband suffers from some sort of mental health disorder.

When we got together he was loving, kind, and devoted. He went out of his way to make me feel loved and special. Shortly before we got married I saw some red flags, but dismissed them to life stress and anxiety. Fast forward over a year later and there’s been multiple smashed phones, doors, windows, pictures, a tv, a grill, a suv, and sink by him. There isn’t a week we don’t get into a massive argument. I’ve discussed leaving multiple times, because it’s been like this our whole marriage. He’s hateful. He’s sorry. He’s loving. He’s neglecting. I’ve taken him to doctors. I’ve taken him to counselors. I’ve stood by him through a nasty custody dispute. I’ve endured. I’ve become angry and bitter.

We haven’t had sex in over 3 months.

I have faults. I’m a germaphobe. I get pissy. I sometimes nag. I find his lack of consideration and lack of effort to aggravating. I’ve been hateful. Im now where I can’t be around him without feeling resentment toward him. We finally got medical, and he saw a new doctor. He’s finally getting his medication back this weekend and starting behavioral counseling after he gets a psychoanalysis.. I’m scared shitless. I’ve voiced to him I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fall back in love. He won’t let me divorce him. I’ve tried. I’ve even contacted lawyers. He knows I’m not in love. He knows I’m unhappy. He knows I want out. He keeps saying he’ll get better, and he’s been over a year. I get medication is a key factor, and he’s been without it. I think he may have borderline personality disorder. Something. It feels like a long road. I feel stuck. I love my stepchild so much, so I don’t want to lose my family. I also fear this is just going to stay like this. I’ve told him I feel like I may never be back in love and he said it’s something he will have to live with, and he is so in love with me.

I just need prayers. Guidance. Something.

Update

Doctors aren’t sure what he has. He went to one doctor for so long who just said anxiety and depression. However, I think it’s more due to the fact it’s in cycles. I wasn’t keen on her, as she just pushed pills at him and never spent more than 20 minutes talking to him. The last time he saw a new doctor we lost insurance after seeing her, but she recommended a psychoanalysis. This new doctor he just saw told him the same. He needs a psychoanalysis and behavioral therapy. He sees both by the end of next month. He also checked off everything for depression and anxiety aside self harm.

I will add when he ripped up our sink I called the cops after a year of threatening to. I was told because it’s marital property he can do that by cops. They said if he were to touch me they’d not let me have a choice, he’d be arrested. The worst he’s done is chase me into a bathroom screaming he won’t hit me and breaking things while running (kids weren’t hime), and kick a chair I was in once- not enough to move it, but to get my attention because I was ignoring him once he screamed bitch loud enough kids heard it.