P.S this is a long story

I wrote this note to “Rose” for myself about a year ago. Here’s the story behind this letter: I had just started working at a restaurant and it was a little hard for me to make friends and get comfortable due to me being really shy. Over 2-3 months I ended up coming out of my shell and I was the most energetic, funny, cool person to be around. One of the the guys that worked there found me attractive I guess and asked me on a date. At that time I have just gotten out of an abusive relationship and really needed to get out and have some fun so I agreed. We went out to a movie, got dinner, then somehow ended up at his place smoking. I don’t really smoke but it was a stressful month so I agreed and I tried a gravity bong for the first time. I ended up getting really fucked up and asked him to take me home but before I had entered my house, I ended up throwing up since I hadn’t eaten in 2 days 😬😬😬. Because of that night, I stopped talking to him bc of my embarrassment lol. A couple of months go by and my life is just getting shittier so after work at my second job, I called him up to calm me down after months of not speaking bc I was planning on killing myself. Although my life was really shitty I didn’t WANT to die, just wanted the pain to stop so I called him bc he was always there for me when I wanted to talk. That’s how we got back into communicating again and hanging out from time to time. A couple weeks go by and I he calls me drunk off his ass at 5am (who drinks at 5am???), asking if he can come over. Now at the time my sister was sleeping over at a friends house bc she also got drunk that night, & my mom is a travel nurse so she’s gone for weeks on end so I agreed. I was supposed to be working that morning but our conversation got really deep that I didn’t want it to end so I called saying I was sick lol. After hours of talking things start to go on a different road. He’s sobered up by now and he asks if I could tell him if I see a difference in his body since he had started working out so me being stupid, I let him strip down to his boxers to show me. I had no intention of doing ANYTHING with him btw, just helping out and giving my honest opinion. Once I tell him that I see a difference, he asks if he can see me 😬 I reallyyyy didn’t want to but I stupidly agreed to it and he liked what he saw. And THATS what started everything. “Rose” had said he was still a little tipsy but I didn’t really believe him bc he seemed perfectly fine to me but he started coming closer to me kissing me & I allowed him bc I had a small crush on him. Kissing turned into making out, then he laid me in the bed and began taking off his clothes. At this point I know I didn’t want to have sex with him so I asked him to stop and get off but he didn’t. I am only 18-19 at this time and I was about 100lbs and he’s 22-24 weighing around 180-200lbs so it was practically impossible to move him off. It had gotten to the point that I started tearing up bc I really didn’t want this to happen to be assured me that he didn’t want to have sex, just jerk off to me while under him and I was not comfortable with that. I had finally got him off of me and I stood by my closet covering myself but he still came close to me trying to touch me. He would say “bre, I respect you and I promise I don’t want to have sex with you. Just let me cum and that will be fine with me.” I had said no about 100 times but he still never listened so I gave up. I laid down crying while he did his deed. He could see I was crying and how uncomfortable I was because I was covering myself but he still continued to go about finishing. After he finished he left and I sat in my car crying. We never spoke after that and till this day i get scared everytime I see someone that looks like him or even hear his name. I felt so used and stupid that I actually trusted this guy and called him my friend. I know I should’ve called the cops and had him arrested but I was so scared! There are times where I’ll watch a friends Snapchat story and he’s on there and for the rest of the day I’ll cry 😢 it’s not rape but it still haunts me to this day and idk what to do. I wrote a letter about my feelings on this topic to let some of the steam off. Idk what to do.. what do I do???