So this is going to be a long long story, but I’ve struggled with it for a while now and unfortunately I don’t have the insurance or money to see a therapist about it no matter how much I want to. And I am well aware the internet isn’t my therapist but I just want to know is there anyone out there like me? That’s feeling this too?

Ok. So I guess I’ll start out with when I was 16 I was in foster care and my boyfriend (now husband) and I got pregnant with our first baby. We were so happy and thought we had everything planned out. A month later I was in school and had the worst cramps of my life. Mind you my husband was in Ohio and I was in Lexington KY. Close enough to see each other every weekend but not to just jump up and come out then. I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom and I called Ryan and told him what was happening. No one besides me and my close friend knew I was pregnant. I was so scared and in so much pain I blacked out. Finally one of the girls came into the bathroom and got me help. I went to the ER and they brought my foster parents in and told them I miscarried. We were heartbroken. After that, we tried numerous times to get pregnant again. Then, I finally did. But I didn’t know it until I was 3 months along. I was now in a group home in Ohio so I was closer to him and it seemed like a dream come true! But then reality hit. CPS always told us on my 18th birthday me and the baby would go home to my husbands parents house and we would be fine! But my group home director told me the truth they didn’t want me to know. When I confronted them, they told me. I was not going home that easy. I could go, but the kid was now a ward of the state since I would have it when I was under their custody. We went through months of my husband getting a good job, a car, his parents getting background checks, etc etc. they put us through every hoop they could. When I went to the hospital one day for my check up, the dr told me they need to induce right there right now. So I called Ryan and the cps workers said he was not allowed to be in the room while I was in labor and they needed a DNA test and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT let him sign the birth certificate. He came anyway and his mom did too and since she was there it was all ok. But he couldn’t stay the night and I was alone after that. We stayed on the phone 24/7 for almost 2 years. After I had the child I only had like 2 months until I was 18. Now here is the thing, I had to tell them about something only my husband knew about. When I was in Lexington, I hung out with a lot of people I shouldn’t have been and I was sexually assaulted. My husband said even if the sperm came from the abuser, it’s not his kid it’s my husbands. He knew about it and helped me through it. Then when the dna testing happened, they basically forced it out of me. I told them and they got the results back as the kid was not my husbands, but in fact the rapist. My heart was shattered and ever since that moment I started to feel a little more distant towards the kid. I had no help when I was in the foster home, I was a new mom with no help and so much on my plate I couldn’t cope. Finally things got bad enough at the foster home that they put us in a new one. And that one was amazing she was so great to us and helped me a lot. So when my 18th birthday came around I decided to leave and let my foster parents take the kid for a while just until I could get a job a car and a place to live on our own. I got visitation once a week and the case plan was for the kid to come live with me, Ryan and his parents. They got a home study, everything passed with flying colors. Then the day came where we had the court hearing. The judge said that the kid can come home but my husband and I had to leave. So we were homeless and the kid went to his parents. Now I know I’m going to sound like a POS but I started to resent the kid. I started having no feelings at all. Then when we got our first apartment they sent a letter in the mail saying Ryan is her dad, they fucked up and they want another hearing done. So we talked about it so much and decided to give his parents custody. We got through it all, we have a nice home good jobs everything now, but I just don’t feel like that’s my kid. I got pregnant with our son shortly after al that and I love him with all my heart! He is everything to me! Even through the pregnancy with him I felt something different that I didn’t feel with the other kid. When we go to his parents house now, the kid calls them mom and dad which is fine like I get it, but the kid doesn’t even want anything to do with me. My husband and the kid have a bond and stuff which is amazing, but I feel nothing. Actually, I’m quiet uncomfortable around the kid. 😕 I don’t know what is wrong with me. I was diagnosed with PPD after my miscarriage, and again after having my son, but I just feel something so different with him. I love him so so much and I feel like he’s my little guy. Sometimes I’ll catch myself talking as if he is an only child... I know I’m probably sounding really shitty right now but I needed to get this off my chest and see if anyone else is like me? Is this normal? I google it and all I find is hating your second child but loving the first. I would never hurt the kid but it’s just like I have no feeling for it. No love. Not a motherly bond. What’s wrong with me? 😞