I’ve had a couple of chemical pregnancies, the first one being before my son was born which didn’t really hit me that hard it was just another month of not getting pregnant, but this most recent one has hit me pretty hard. I know it shouldn’t matter and I should be thankful I didn’t have a miscarriage but for those two days I thought I was pregnant I was SO excited. It wasn’t planned, we weren’t trying for baby #2 and my son is only 10 months old, but I felt like it was fate and I had already an amazon cart of things for a reveal (a big brother shirt, a letter board, family of 4 shirts). When I started bleeding two days later and took another test for it to be negative I was so hurt I cried for days. I had the whole thing planned in my head. I had ideas of how to surprise my husband and our parents. I had the due date circled on a calendar and that feeling of happiness literally only lasted for two days. I just feel so stupid for getting excited and actually thinking I could get pregnant on accident. We tried for nearly a year for our baby boy and he’s so perfect I am so so blessed to have him, but now all I can think about when I’m watching him is how great of a big brother he would’ve been. Everytime he tries to hand me one of his toys or say mama and lay his head on my chest I just can’t help but cry because hes the sweetest baby I know and I just KNOW he would’ve been such an amazing big brother even if he would’ve been 1 1/2 when the baby would’ve been born. I know women have it worse and my own sister has been trying for over a year after a miscarriage her 5th month of trying and it would be unfair and selfish of me to want another baby before she can even have her first, but she also is near our family and has an awesome husband and support system (I live on the other side of the country) (military life🙄). I also don’t want to start trying for #2 because I know this was just a pregnancy scare for my husband and he doesn’t want another one now even when trying for our first one it didn’t seem like he was really trying with me he was only going along with it for me and it ended up making me feel lonelier than ever. I just don’t know what to do and I’m sad and upset with no support system whatsoever. My son he’s just so perfect and I was the happiest I have ever been when I was pregnant he just makes me wish I had a million like him even though I know I should spend all the time in the world with him before I could think about another one, but I grew up an only child before my mom met the man with children I now consider my sister and brother and I don’t want my boy to grow up alone like I did. Anyways if you read all of this I’m sorry it’s so long I just needed to get it out SOMEWHERE and thank you for listening/reading💕