I don’t really know what to do.

I was raised with “you wait until marriage to have sex. Premarital sex is a sin.”

The only reason my parents got married is because they got pregnant with my older brother. Mom was going to give him up for adoption, but Dad just wasn’t going to have that.

Skip to me. I’ve survived sexual assault and abuse. I kept everything to myself until I was 20? Friends started being told when 20, the parents by 22. I feel like I’m in bubble wrap when it comes to them. But.... if they were to hear that I’ve had sex, by my choice. I honestly don’t think I will be forgiven. My family is already bat shit crazy. I don’t want a wedding because of my family.

Anyhoo. Who we have officiating the wedding also happens to be my landlord. He knows both my fiancé and I. Is my fiancé’s mentor. When the officiant, Best Man, and fiancé went out to dinner, fiancé was confronted with “have you been having sex. I know you’ve been staying over.”

I feel filthy now. Yes, I consented to sex. But I feel guilt. I don’t know what to do.

It took me AGES to decide when to have sex. I did what I needed, but everything is saying that it’s wrong. Help.

Why I decided to go for pre-marital sex? My earliest memories are of medical sexual trauma. I had kidney reflux, and the procedure to figure it out was to insert a urinate catheter. Dad was forcibly holding me down, and the male doctor was the one doing the inserting.

Having a septate hymen: I panicked with a tampon and ended up fixing it by cutting it myself.

All of the assault.

Having my first Pap test, and physically freaking out when it hurt.

Who’s a better someone to have sex with than someone I trust?

But what I needed was wrong. I just don’t know how to reconcile everything.

The fiancé and I are talking tonight.