So, I've had an awful time reproductively. My first in 2010 was ectopic. So had to terminate at 7w6d. The ectopic was cervical and caused irreversible damage. My second in 2011, 😞 subchorionic heamorrhage through most of the first trimester. He pulled through. Only to go into spontaneous labour due to the cervical damage, at just 20weeks. He died at birth. My 3rd, blighted ovum found out at 5w4d also 2011.

My 4th, had cervical monitoring, when changes happened at 21w, I had a suture placed in my cervix, put on daily progesterone suppisitories, and bed rest. He arrived at 33weeks. Had an emergency caesarean due to placental abruption in labour. A comolication occured in the caesarean that led to an inverted T incision being performed.

#5 took years of infertility to conceive. The pregnancy was stressful, I had moved so had to attend a new hospital who had trouble getting my file's. They were garbage. I had to fight my butt off to get a preventative cervical stitch and progesterone started and cert for bed rest. Then, when my cervix went from 50mm long to 14mm long in just 3 days at 20w, they did nothing, not hospital bed rest, not further cervical checks, not corticosteroids for her lungs, not anything and kept trying to discharge me to low risk clinics. I gave up at 28weeks fighting. At 30weeks my little miss decided to arrive. I wanted to VBAC, and made 10cm with amazing support, but I was transferred to a hospital better equipped for my bubs prematurity. The OBs there bullied me into a repeat caesarean. When they cut in they found severe adhesions which put me at high risk of heamorrhage and organ damage, my bowel was adhered to my uterus, etc. Also the same complication occured as last time so they had to do a repeat inverted T incision to get her out.

In recovery they advised me that both vaginal birth and caesareans now post significant risks and strongly recommended I not have anymore children. It was upsetting BUT I honestly felt so blessed and greatful to have my two earthside kid's.

FF. A few week's before my daughters first birthday, we got a BFP 😲 Broken condom, WHILE still BF, and in spite of our previous infertility. I was terrified. My hubby had said if it was positive I either abort or deal with it on my own :( I never wanted to abort again after my first. I was hesitant. I had to really consider everything. How to manage my risk of preterm labour with a 1yr old, how to manage my now school aged sons pick ups/drop offs (no car so lots of walking hubby works FT), how to try make viability. How to cope with the fear and risks of birth, then cope with a subsequent prem with a toddler? How to do it all on my own because hubby wouldn't stay. Bit also, risks of abortion, risks to my mental health and possibly my relationship. A heavy bleed at 8 week's, I hoped miscarriage as awful as that sounds. I was bleesing like a drizzling tap, had to shower it off, get dressed, put on a pad and face washer to absorb the blood and clots, and walk to pick my son up from school with my baby, and catch a bus to ED because I feared I could lose conciousness from blood loss and hubby was at work. Baby was fine and we don't know were it came from. My son had to miss a couple days of school, and it really opened my eyes to how hard it would be :( I didn't think I could do it. I was so fearful and didn't want my kids to have go through that, and didn't want to make hubby have a baby he didn't want. So after some councelling with a beautiful social worker. I made the choice for termination. Worst decision of my life. I couldn't get in till 13w3d. I didn't truly want it. I wanted him, I had seen him on ultrasound, I didn't want another of my babies to die. But wanted to do right by hubby and kid's. The termination went WRONG. The meds they give to soften your cervix. It made me have contractions, dialate, suffer a minor rupture of my caesarean scar and DELIVER my baby intact in his sac in just a couple of short hour's :( my one solace was that I wasn't supposed to have to be awake when he died. I lost 1.2litres if blood, my body went into shock and they proceded to do an emergency currette to try control the bleed. I had to stay most the day as a result. I opted to view my baby knowing he was intact. My heart hurts so much. I bought him home, had him cremated and have done all I can to honour him. But I regret it so much. My heart now yearns for the 3rd child I'll never have while I grieve his death. I can't go and have another baby. Because of the reasons I terminated, they still exist, and if I were to get pregnant it would mean he died for nothing and I'd be at risk again.

I don't know the point of this, I just need to say out loud that I want another child and wish I could have that :(