Backstory - so my best friend we will name him S. S and I have known each other since Pre-K and my mom and his mom both have said that we used to flirt with each other when we were in pre-k all the way up until first grade and my parents decide to move us to a new town.

Next chapter - Now it's freshman year and the school that we were at in the new town did not have a high school so I had to go back to my old original School and lo and behold S was still there. since I had to go back that freshman year my parents are still living in the town we had moved to I ended up staying with my grandma and my grandpa for that whole year so I had to ride the bus every morning. the first time I rode the bus he had gotten on after I did and I could see that I knew him from somewhere but I didn't really remember where it was one of those things where you're like "oh I know that person but where do I know them from"....

so after the second third day pass the fourth day he sits next to me on the bus in the morning and starts flirting with me doing the typical thing and shortly after that we start dating and we are publicly a couple. We were inseparable for the whole first three quarters of the year. during the best little tidbit of the freshman year my parents got a divorce and they were in a custody battle over me needless to say somehow my dad one and at the end of freshman year I had to move away.

Ultimately we ended up falling out of touch we knew it would happen we just didn't realize it would happen that soon. a few years later he finally started dating someone new and they dated for four years which brings me to the beginning of November 2019.

so he started texting me and then November area after they had broken up saying he needed a friend he didn't really have anyone else he could trust event to.so I listened to him being his best friend I still considered him a best friend after all the years that has gone by without really staying in communication and he told me that she wouldn't even give him any answers of why she was leaving him she just was she wanted to break up and that was that.because I personally don't like getting caught up in a lot of stuff I asked her to be sure the whole conversation pretty much went like this;

Me: hey I don't know what's going on S just texted me and I wanted to make sure you were okay not sure if it was true or not but if you need anybody I'm here for you.

Her: it's true I broke up with him and thank you I really do appreciate it I know you're his best friend but I really do appreciate you being here

Me: why did you break up with him did he do something wrong?

Her: honestly I can't explain it I just I want to be with him but I want to break up and it's not fair to him so if he's sending you to me to find out you're not going to find out anything different than he has.

So me and S have talked off and on and all of a sudden tonight on a typical conversation immediately the floodgates of hell opened after 4 months of talking and just being friends and catching up on how life is gone so far besides the upset all these feelings that I used to have for him came back like it's starting over again. I honestly hate myself for it I want to be there at his friend I do not want to have these feelings to contradict how I feel about him and to make the situation even that much harder it's only been 4 months and I don't understand why I know that it's crazy because we always end up talking again but it's always been as friends and I have never had feelings since freshman year for him like this and I want to kick myself in the face every time that they've come up and I can't tell him because I don't want him to know how I feel because that would just make the situation even harder and it would make me worry if he could trust me anymore I just don't want to make things awkward I know he has a right to know but at the same time he just needs that friend that's their healing from I wish there was a way I can just shut my feelings off.

I am literally so mad at myself for catching feelings for my best friend it is absolutely insane and retarded I just want to be there as a friend but I cannot help know that in the back of my mind those feelings for him were there and it's just like a kick to the gonads I just needed to vent somewhere and I'm still so much better that I finally got off my chest.