I was molested by an uncle from ages 4-11. I’m now 27 and I have a little boy who will be 4 in October. It’s a very triggering age for me and I’m so worried about him turning 4. I’m working on that. But the other thing is that I do not allow hardly anyone to watch my child, particularly men. Not my brother, not my dad... no men have watched my kid alone, a woman I trust like my mom has to be present. I let my mom and his other grandma watch him mostly, but I would call into work sick before I let someone watch him that I’m not comfortable with. I’ve avoided the uncomfortable conversations with people about it up until now. My brother and male cousin are moving in with my mom and she mentioned that they can watch my son for me too if she’s not available. I finally just broke down and told her that they can’t. She’s very aware of what happened to me and I told her that’s why. I could tell though that she’s very offended that I won’t let my brother watch him. She asked me if I think my brother is a pedophile or something. Of course, I love my brother and a big part of me thinks he would never do something like that but I have that mental block of just what if. I know I can’t protect my kid from everything but I will try everything in my power to. I’m worried she’ll say something to my brother. I don’t think she would let him watch him after I told her not to but am I being unreasonable? Part of me feels batshit crazy and part of me is just like doing my best to protect my kid. Idk. Maybe I need therapy or something. I feel horrible putting that terrible stigma on my brother also. It just really sucks you guys and it makes my heart so heavy. Encouraging words welcome. It was so hard to tell my mom that and I hate that I offended her.. at least it felt that way. And this was also the first time in a very long time we even spoke a word about the abuse and it’s got me very depressed.

I keep adding to this but I have to mention that my son has severe speech delay and would not even be able to tell me if something happened to him. I fully intend on keeping very open communication with him when he’s more advanced in his speech. Idk that my feelings about it will get better once he’s communicating more but I’m hopeful.