*Sorry LONG/explicit post*

Thank you to anyone who can offer some insight, support, advice, encouragement or anything at all.

During my husbands struggles and path to recovery sex is (I understand why) the last thing on his mind. Age of course (he's 40 I'm 28) is a factor along with the meds and just his mental struggles (manic depression and paranoid schizophrenia) are a major toll I know. But I miss sex. He manages every other month, which is short and sweet every time, which of course I still enjoy that very intimate moment with him but it's just ugh, I feel selfish and petty for wanting more I feel silly and unreasonable considering his condition but how do you deal with it. I don't like to masturbate it's just not my thing. I've tried but I always end up feeling pathetic and guilty and it just doesn't satisfy me. I want him I want my husband. Especially during the days prior and after my period it's almost painful how much I want to be with him. But he refuses to take any meds for it since his goal is to be 100% meds free and independent of them. I know he loves me I know hes attracted to me, but I also know that he'll masturbate (but for some reason doesn't ejaculate, he says it's not the same as having sex with me, it's a different kind of quick pleasure for him, that i dont understand,🤷‍♀️men I guess) but it makes me feel like he'd rather have a wank out of convenience, as if having sex with me is too much of an effort (even though it doesnt last long or really satisfies me). Of course I've talked to him about it 100% frankly but I always end up feeling stupid and silly and wishing I just never mentioned it at all. There's a lot of cuddling most of the time but no real romance or passion. On top of this all I get cold sores alot on my lips so we'll go weeks without a proper kiss. I love him with all that I am hes my best friend but with the lack of sex and kissing that's exactly all I feel like. Just friends, just roommates. I cry alot in silence out of sight. I read books, keep busy with school and work but everytime a scene shows up during our movie nights or seeing some couple getting steamy in public just looking at my husband undress or in the shower is enough to make me think about it. I guess I just needed to talk, vent, get this out of my head somehow.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.